Are You Ready To Go?

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Dear Universe, 

Moon is having a really hard time lately and I don't know how to make things better for him. He's such a good, kind, selfless person and to see him beat himself up like hurts my heart. He did the right thing, but I know that doesn't make it any easier for him. I just want him to be happy, he deserves - more than anyone - to be happy. 

Speaking of hard times, my parents sat me down yesterday after school and told me that they're getting a divorce. It's official, my family is broken. They can barely stand to be in the same room with each other anymore. My mom hates my dad for his affair, my dad hates my mom for throwing out my brother's things. It's just a huge mess, and I have a feeling I'm going to be the clean up crew. 

My best friend is always busy with cheerleading since cheer is our schools number one priority, and every day that she tells me we can't hang out because she has practice, or every time she doesn't answer my calls or texts because of the same reason I get more and more jealous. I want to be back on that mat so badly that it hurts. I want to be a part of a team, I want to wear the uniform and learn the routine. I want to spend hours and hours pushing my body to the limit just to perfect a move. 

Sometimes, when I feel like I'm enjoying life a little too much, when I smile a little longer than I feel I deserve to - I sit in the gym and watch the squad practice. I make myself feel jealous and sad, I make myself watch and witness what I'm missing out on. 

Every day I get asked to come back to the team and every day I have to say no. 

Every day I find new ways to make me pay for what I did to my brother and my family, every day I try to find a way that doesn't involve the razor blade that I can't stop staring at every time I'm in my bathroom. 


My blog has four subscribers, and I have no idea who they are. None of them comment or message me, so I'm not even sure that anyone reads my words. I kind of hope that no one reads my words because then there's a witness to just how fucked up this all is - how fucked up I am.  

"Annie!" I cringe at the tone of my mom's voice, something I've been doing a lot lately even though she hasn't said anything cruel to me since the morning she packed up River's room. Even though she apologized and said she wasn't herself that morning, I can still hear the words echoing in my head daily. 

"Yes?" I call back just as I hear her coming up the stairs. I close my laptop and wait for her to enter my room. 

When she opens my door, I can tell from the look on her face that I'm in trouble. I don't even know what I did yet, but this whole scene is so normal, so much like it was before River's death that I almost smile.  

"Annie, would you like to explain to me why I just got a call from Dr. White saying that you haven't been to your sessions in over a month?" She crosses her arms and stares at me, her eyes narrowed and lips in a straight line.


"I just didn't feel like I needed to go anymore." Nothing that Dr. White said, none of the exercises or homework she gave me, none of it was going to change anything.

"That's not really your decision to make, Annie." 

"It should be." 

"No, Annie, it shouldn't. Do you think I haven't noticed how withdrawn you've been lately or how you don't go out anymore? You need those sessions, and you're going next Tuesday."

"But, mom, I-"

"You're going, Annie, I'll drag you there myself if I have to." She cuts me off as she turns and walks out of my room, leaving me sitting there in disbelief. Her mood swings are becoming harder and harder to keep up with. 

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