Lilofee || Outcast

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Author: GingerWishingOnStars (Tagged in comments)

Genre: Fantasy


The photo on the cover matches the story fairly well, but I am not a big fan of the font. It is a bit difficult to read, and the cover as a whole appears slightly unprofessional. The story was absolutely amazing and well-written (I rarely enjoy stories this much), and I think it deserves a cover that attracts more attention! There are many Wattpad cover creators who I'm sure would be interested in designing a more suitable cover. 

The title also fits the story, as Lilofee is the name of the main character and it is mentioned that she is an "outcast" (I am excited to read more about this part!). However, the two lines in the title may make it difficult for readers to find your story. I suggest you edit it to something close, but a bit easier to read and find. Perhaps "Lilofee the Outcast"? This is entirely up to you, and I don't find the title to be bad, just a bit difficult to search for. 

I was shocked by your amazing vocabulary and descriptions. The words you used when describing how characters moved, spoke, etc. were incredible and I could clearly imagine the scenario. I was able to very easily picture some scenes such as when Lilofee stood by the cliffs in chapter 1, but I was not able to imagine the setting as a whole. I think the setting/location of where Lilofee lives could be described a bit more. I was able to develop a general image in my head, but I would have liked it if a clearer picture were provided. Additionally, I think some more details could be given about the characters. I only remember reading descriptions on hair colors, but not any details on eye color, skin color, build, etc. I think some additional details would help your audience picture your characters and the overall setting of the story. 

I saw very few grammar mistakes throughout your story, but I did notice some small misspelling. In chapter 1, you wrote: "Fianche, are you al right?" I believe that alright is one word, and the space in the middle halted the flow of the paragraph. I noticed this same misspelling in chapter two as well. In chapter 3, I noticed a sentence that said "This was even worse than usually." The word should be edited to "usual" in order to work properly in the sentence. Lastly, I noticed one very small misspelling in chapter 4: "Our world has slowly begun to loose the leftover power and the people..." I believe that you intended to write "lose" as in losing the leftover power rather than "loose," as in loosening a knot. 

I was thoroughly impressed by the pace of the story. Each chapter was filled with details that led to interesting twists and turns that continuously made the story more and more suspenseful. I especially enjoyed the attention-grasping sentences that concluded each chapter. I found it to be appealing and it swiftly drew me into the next chapter. Chapter 4 in particular spectacularly explained the roles of the Fae and how the world became what it is today. I am excited to understand more about the history and background of the story!

Although the story as a whole was extremely entertaining and alluring, I found a few things that I think would make the story a bit clearer. For one, I found it a bit confusing how the Mother and Mama were two different people. This wasn't clarified until the end of chapter 2, which made the first couple of chapters a bit confusing. I also am not sure what role the Mother plays. Is she a leader? A caretaker? I think these points should be addressed to make it clearer to the audience. Additionally, I did not really pick up on the concept of the "Daughters of the Moon." You used the term "coven" several times throughout the story, so I am wondering if the daughters of the moon is a group of witches or if it is a group of humans. What specie are Lilofee and the other characters?

Two things I particularly enjoyed about the story were the names and the lengths of the chapters. I found Lilofee to be a very unique name, and Lilo is a cute nickname. I think the story is extremely original and it has a captivating storyline. I also found each of the chapters to be a perfect length and the buildup of suspense is perfect. I thought the plot twist with Lilofee's father was also unexpected and exciting. 

I greatly enjoyed this story and I am looking forward to reading the next chapter! Readers who are fond of books such as the Throne of Glass series will adore this story! 

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