I Just Thought That...

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Dear Universe,

It's been awhile, huh? Let me catch you up.

So Moon and I are sorta dating now. I say sorta because we haven't actually discussed the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but we arr only seeing each other - and we see a lot of each other. We're together pretty much every day.

Moon has become the biggest, brightest spot in my life and I don't think I could ever repay him for the amount of security and stability he has provided me. It's like no matter how bad things are - and they've been pretty bad - Moon knows exactly how to make me feel better. 

The only problem is that once Moon is gone and I'm alone...things get dark, Universe. 

Let me back track for you.

So a few weeks ago I had dinner with my dad -well, I attempted to have dinner with my dad. I let it slip that my mom had thrown out my brother's things and my dad exploded. He got up and left the restaurant, not even looking back at me. I had also mentioned that my mom said it was my fault my brother is gone, but my dad didn't seem to care about that, he was only focused on his anger towards my mom about my brother's stuff. 

Once again, Star isn't important. I used to not care that my baby brother was the favorite, mostly because he was my favorite as well, but now...I don't know what I feel. I mean, it is my fault, but somehow hearing it come from my mom hit harder than hearing it from myself. 

With my dad's affair and the divorce that is bound to happen soon, it's like all those therapy sessions we did as a family are forgotten and they forgot that they have another child. They're so focused on their own pain right now, that it's causing us to all fall apart - again. 

Anyway, so after my dad abandoned me at the restaurant before our food had even arrived, Moon came to join me - making me forget all about the drama and heartache that I had just endured with my dad. Afterwards, I was trying to avoid going home and being in the middle of the war zone with my mom and dad, so Moon took me to an outdoor ice rink. It was perfect, he was perfect. 

Until I had my breakdown. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, I couldn't think. I was crumbling and Moon held me together. It was like I wasn't really there, like I was just going through the motions, but he lead me to the car and took me to his house where he let me cry for hours. He didn't flinch or push me away as I clung to him and he didn't force me to talk. 

The next day he offered to come to my house with me when I faced my mom, but I felt it was something I needed to do on my own. My mom was sitting in the kitchen, her eyes red and her face tear stained when I walked in the room. We talked, and she apologized for what she said to me and she apologized for donating everything we had left of my brother. I understand that she's going through a lot...but I don't know if I can forgive her. Does that make me a bad daughter, Universe? 

Christmas was a few days ago, and as the first Christmas without my brother, it was quiet. There was no running down the stairs in matching PJ's, no living room littered with toys and wrapping paper, no family photo, nothing. It didn't feel like Christmas to me, not at home.  However, Moon and my best friend invited me celebrate with their families, which gave me a little Christmas cheer.

Also, Moon bought me my very own bat and batting helmet for when I go to the batting cages. Sweet, I know. BUT, that's not the only thing he got me. Moon is a big comic book collector, so he sometimes goes to places like pawn shops and Goodwill to find comics. 

Guess what Moon found at our local Goodwill.

In the bag he had bought my to keep my bat and helmet in, was a small red and white baseball jersey. It had my little brother's name and number on the back. I cried like a baby. It's the best gift I have ever and will ever receive. Moon's gift definitely outdid the completed comic collection of one of his favorite superheroes that I got him. 

So remember how I said things get dark? Sometimes it feels like I live in the dark, like I'll never see the light again. With everything going on in my family, all because of me - don't say it's not my fault, Universe. How could it not be my fault? Who was driving the car? That's right, I was. I was driving the car, I wasn't paying attention and my brother paid the cost - resulting in my parent's separating, my mom spiraling into depression, and whatever it is that is going on with me. 

That's the thing, I don't know what's going on with me. It's like I can't be happy without later feeling like I have to be punished for being happy and living my life. I'm running out of ways to punish myself though. I took away cheerleading, I took away my friends, I took away going out and parties...the only way I can think of is...

I hit publish and push my laptop as far away from me as I can. That post took a toll on me, it was like reliving all the feelings I had suffered through the past few weeks all over again. The day my mom cleared out River's room, the dinner with my dad, Christmas, and the night I almost...

I start to pace my room, I try to focus on good things -happy things. I try to remind myself that harming myself won't fix anything, it won't bring River back, it won't make my parents forgive each other, it won't make my mom  happy again. I keep repeating this to myself over and over, and finally I find myself standing in the shower as hot water stings my skin. The water had turned cold by the time I got out and wrapped myself in a towel. 

When I got back to my room I picked up my phone and saw that I had three unread texts from Ian. 

Ian: Hey, want to go get some food?

Ian: Annie? 

Ian: I'm coming over. 

There wasn't even five minutes between the texts. Ian knows I'm a horrible texter, so I'm not surprised that he triple texted me in attempt to get me to reply. I send him back a reply, just as I hear the front door close and someone run up the stairs. My mom is at work, and she also doesn't run up the stairs, so I freeze - wearing nothing but a towel as I stare at my bedroom door and wait for the intruder to bust in and murder me. 

My footsteps stop in front of my door and I stop breathing as it slowly opens. The first thing I see is an ink covered arm and I let out the breath I had been holding. "God, Ian, you almost gave me a heart attack."

He pushes the door open the rest of the way and steps in, "Sorry. I just thought that-" He stops when his eyes land on me standing there wrapped in a towel. I can feel myself blushing as his eyes linger for a second before he turns around and faces the door he just walked through. "I'm sorry." 

I grab the clothes that I had laid out before my shower and start to put them on while Ian stays facing my door. "You just thought what?" I ask.

He clears his throat, "What?"

"When you came in. You said Sorry, I just thought that..." I pulled my sweater over my head and tossed my towel in the hamper by my bed. "You can turn around now."

Ian turns and I finally take in his appearance. His usually perfect styled hair is a mess and not the type of mess it is when he takes off his bike helmet, it looks as if he hasn't even brushed it today. His eyes look wild and...scared? It was obvious that he rushed over here, but why? 

"Ian, what were you going to say?" Instead of answering my question, he had been staring at me and it was making me kind of uncomfortable. 

His eyes flash to my bed where my laptop was sitting, and then he quickly looks back to me. "Uh, nothing. I just thought that you weren't near your phone and didn't get my texts." 

He was acting weird, but as he took a step towards me the worried expression on his face fell away and he was back to normal, back to the Ian that makes me forget how twisted my mind has become. 

"I texted you back right before you broke in and scared the crap out of me." He was standing right in front of me now and I reached up to wrap my arms around his neck as he leaned in to kiss me. 

"Sorry for scaring you."

"You should be." 

"Can I make it up to you with some cheese fries?" 

He knows my weaknesses.


Thoughts? 

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