Melody of Love

Chapter 8

It’s been bugging me since the show had ended. The sudden realization that I am going to end up home tomorrow. The dream I’ve been living is over, and I am going to be returning to my life before this weekend.

My life before Andy. I will be a normal citizen again, contributing to society, working to pay for college. The normal, boring life.

I  try to forget about it, but it just doesn’t seem possible as I go over the circumstances of the weekend. Even as the party begins, I can’t get myself to relax. I try to wash the pain I will eventually feel tomorrow down with shot after shot. I try to get the nagging thoughts to erase completely from my memory. Nothing happens as I do.  

I can’t. It’s inevitable. The thoughts are still there. The thoughts will still haunt me. If anything the feeling I am dreading becomes the only thing I can think about.

But even as I try to act like nothing is wrong, I can see all of the signs in him as well. Just seeing the look in his eyes… it’s like I’m looking in a mirror. I know for a fact that he won’t admit it. He won’t admit that he’s going to miss me, but I see how many drinks he’s had so far.

I lost count after five. That’s probably just because of the alcohol I have consumed as well, but I know that’s more than he usually has during his normal party routine.

He tries to engage himself in conversation with the rest of the guys, but I see him looking at me...or looking through me for that matter, like the mere sight of me will trigger his thoughts. I can see the fake smile he uses around the guys, and it falters when he glances at me from across the room.

I feel like maybe he’s avoiding me because of the outcome of tomorrow.

I excuse myself into the backroom, close the door, and I lay down on the couch and set my drink on the ground next to me. I need to think, and loud music and yelling isn’t the thing that is going to help straighten out my already confused mind.

My thoughts start racing as the silence tries to calm my anxiety. My mind trying desperately to figure out the situation, to determine what was real and what wasn’t, asking questions I don’t want to hear.

What if he didn’t mean anything he said earlier? What if I really am just like everybody else, and the only reason he is saying those things is because I’m just a shattered and broken girl that he doesn’t want to upset and break even more?

Or worse. Maybe it is all in my head. Even then, I don’t trust my imagination. It was never creative enough to aid me in anything. It’s no use to me now either. Maybe I thought he said something, when he really meant it in a just friends sort of way.

This explanation doesn’t explain the flirting or the kissing, though. Why would he kiss a girl if he didn’t have the slightest feelings for her? Surely he wouldn’t lead a girl on and then forget about her, would he?

Then the anger sets in.

If I never would have accepted his offer to go into the bus, this never would have happened. I wouldn’t be in this situation that I’m in now. I would be at school working on one of a million assignments I have due this week.

Then again I left him the letter. The letter that contained every secret I have told him face to face. The letter that he still hasn’t opened. If I never wouldn’t have said yes, he would have read the letter and then maybe he would’ve sent me a message on Twitter or maybe he would have called me.

No, I Casey Stelman, screwed this up for myself.

My fake love for the band’s music and the need for Andy himself to possess my secrets, one way or another, turned into hope when I met him and now it had snowballed into the thing I feared most.