Awkward

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Rule Number Twenty-Four: Don't regret the past, always move forward.

I hated the type of sleep that felt as if you hadn't slept at all. The type where your body was exhausted and unmoving while your eyes were closed. But yet your mind still processed thoughts as if you were awake.

My eyes snapped open to see the little numbers on my phone that stated it was four thirty a.m. It was instinctual for me to admit defeat and give up on any sort of sleep. For my eyes to open and be met with the reality of what time it was.

I was incredibly sober as I promised myself to stay but the events of last night made me regret the decision.

Noel fought me the whole way home. A simple misunderstanding caused a massive blow up. Crawling into bed with her after the fight hoping to get something didn't help either, and just caused another blowout.

She let me sleep with her only because it was my bed in my apartment that my parents now made me pay for. And so I laid beside her naked and angry as if I were similar to a child.

Laying awake until trying my false sleep, the velocity of the fight brought my mind to a dangerous place. It brought me to Ana.

It was torture to think about what she was doing at that moment. What was he doing to her as they rolled around in bed. It just made me all the more furious, more furious about her being fucked by my brother than about me apparently not having the option to fuck at all.

And as I laid here collecting the thoughts again I knew I had to go take a cold shower. It was four in the morning and I decided that I would now start my day incredibly early.

Grabbing my phone off the nightstand, I closed the door behind me. Catching a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror I looked similar to hell.

I went to turn on the shower but the ring of my phone stopped me. It was almost five now and no one I knew would be up at this time.
 
The screen showed it was Seth and the call confused me more. Annoyed that he was calling early and risking waking the unsteady girlfriend up, I answered.

"It's fucking five, on a Sunday!" I snapped.

"Good morning to you too, I'm just getting off at the bar. Thought I'd call because the big day was yesterday and I wanted to know how defeat was treating you" his confidant, prick attitude mocked on the other end.

The whole thing originally felt like a defeat. Being yelled at and slapped in my car plunged my ego. Having confirmed my outrageous jealousy towards my brother to Ana a couple days ago didn't help and last night having the urge to kiss her after reconciling didn't water down the hurt either.

I decided that I wouldn't stop the marriage. And at first, I wanted to come up with something entirely different to put an end to their happiness but now I wasn't so sure. She was happy and confident more so now than she had been in years and who was I to take it away?

I guess it came full circle and I was still the idiot in the end.

I was being truthful when I said I wanted to be her friend but I hoped I could stay a good person like I should.

"I'm fine" I lied running my hand down my tired face "I learned my lesson, I'm just going to befriend her that's all. She really likes him and who am I to destroy it. Even if he's a bastard".

The stone edge of the bathtub chilled my naked skin as I rested against it. I made sure to keep my voice low so Noel didn't hear my gross confession on the other side of the door.

A light chuckle sounded on the other end of the line. Cars could be heard rushing past Seth as he walked down the busy streets of New York.

"You like her, don't you? Finally, you fuck someone and catch feelings. How did I know this would end up happening?" Seth tried to contain his building laughter. It made me wince because I knew he was wrong.

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