Losing The Battle In My Mind

Chapter 2

LOUIS’ P.O.V

‘Why me? What the fuck did I do to deserve this in my fucking life?’

‘All I ever do is fuck everything up’. ‘I’m a worthless piece of shit.’ ‘I don’t deserve to live at all.’ ‘ I should just fucking end it all right now. No one would care so, why not?’

    The same thoughts repeat through my mind in one big never ending cycle. I fucking hate nights like this. I can’t stand this anymore. I’m exhausted of living my life like this. It never goes away. Ever. Even when I’m not having a manic episode, the thoughts are still there. But I don’t say anything because I don’t want the boys to know how fucked up I really am. They only know very little of what’s wrong with my head, and they think that’s bad. Imagine if they knew everything. Christ, they’d have me locked up within seconds. I can’t have that. So I bottle everything up so no one can see.

      The thoughts become too much and I become weak. I resort to doing the only thing I know to do to distract me from these thoughts. I open the jewelry box that Harry gave to me on our 1 year anniversary. Theres 3 compartments to it. The top part where you put rings and earrings and such and 2 shelves for necklaces, bracelets, and, whatever else. The 2nd drawer contains all of my blades. I’m kind of OCD with organization so they’re all in neat little rows. I take one out and unwrap the brown cardboard that protects it. I roll up my sleeves to reveal my scarred wrists. I’ve been cutting way before the episodes started. It’s an addiction. Once you start, you just can’t stop. I haven’t been clean for almost a month. I do this basically every night. It’s hard to stop because the relief you feel afterwards is so powerful.

I like doing it. I feel like I’m sort of punishing myself for the hell I put the people I love through. They don’t deserve the pain, I do. Even though they kind of abuse me and make me feel worthless a lot, I still love them. I don’t feel that sorry for Liam and Zayn though. They’re terrible to me. But Harry and Niall.... They’ve never done shit to me so they don’t deserve to feel pain at all. I hate seeing them cry and get frightened of me. It makes me hate myself even more.

              Harry’s P.O.V

         I woke up that morning to people shouting at each other. ‘ Better go see what happened.’ I thought. I walk out to our living room to see Louis sitting on the couch with Zayn screaming in his face. Shit.

“ Zayn back the fuck up now. “, I yelled.

“Go fuck yourself Harry. I’m trying to have a conversation with fucktard here.”, Zayn shouted back. I slapped him in the face.

“Obviously you’re fucking not asshole. Now leave him the hell alone.”, I retorted. He just glared at me, and without another word, left the room.

I sighed. My eyes searched for Lou’s. I realized he was crying when a tear rolled down his cheek.

“Boobear what’s wrong?”, I asked as I sat down and pulled him into a tight embrace against my chest. He was sobbing as he turned over to staddle my waist and wrap his arms around my neck.

“Why can’t I be normal like everyone else?”, He asked as he sobbed into my chest.

“No. Stop. You are perfect. I would never ever want you any other way. I love you just the way you are. Do you understand me? You are the only person I could ever love Lou. Plus, being normal isn’t fun. Normal people are stupid and boring. It’s okay to be different.”, I replied. I was crying now too.

“Fuck you.”, Louis said as he got off of me.

“You don’t mean a god damned thing you just said. ADMIT IT! YOU DON’T GOVE A FUCK ABOUT ME AT ALL DO YOU HARRY?! YOU WOULD BE FUCKING PEACHY IF I JUST FUCKING DROPPED DEAD, RIGHT? IT WOULD MAKE YOUR LIFE 100% EASIER WOULDN’T IT!? THAT’S HOW EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE FEELS! MYSELF INCLUDED! SO STOP FUCKING ACTING LIKE YOU CARE WHEN I KNOW YOU DON’T!”