In My Blood

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In sitting on the bathroom floor, in the house of a stranger. I'm at a party of someone I don't know. I got dragged here by someone who doesn't know me. It's all too much for me. I don't know if I can do this anymore, with this I  mean living. I look at the knive I took with me, it's my escape route. My way to make all the pain stop for a little moment. I know I can't do it, I shouldn't but I needs something to make it better. Even if it's just a little. Sometimes I feel like giving up, just let go of everything but I know I shouldn't do that. I just can't.

I get my phone and scroll through Instagram. All these people having fun just makes me feel worse. I start crying. The walls are closing in on me and the music is blasting through my skull. Someone knocks on the door. I put my phone in my bag together with the knive. Then I whipe my tears away and I open the door. There's a guy in front of my, I used to know him, he used to know me but so much has changed. He looks at me with a weird look but he doesn't ask anything. Why does nobody see I need somebody? That I need somebody now. I walk past him while more tears are trying to escape my eyes. I start to walk faster, I need to get out of here. I walk through the living room, the music is even louder here. People don't notice me but why would they? They are to focused on themselves, they can't see a person who's at the point of breaking, who's almost over the edge.

I walk out of the house, people don't even notice I'm leaving. I don't really mind though. Tears start to fall down while I walk towards the beach, which is close to the house.

I stare into the sea while my thoughts go darker and darker. I don't want to feel this pain anymore, will this ever get better? Not even the cutting is strong enough. I, I just wanna give up. I get the knive from my bag and roll up my sleeves. Red and white stripes reveal themselves. With my vision unclear, because of all the tears, I put the cold steel against my skin. So this is it. Finally I'll get rid of all the pain but is it worth it?

Suddenly I hear someone scream my name. I look up and see the guy from before, he comes running towards me.
  "Please put down the knive," he says when he stands before me, out of breath.
  "Why should I?" I ask while I start to sob. "Nobody will even notice I'm gone."
  "Of course they will!" He exclaims. "At least I will, for what it's worth."
It's worth so much, I think but I'm not saying it. Slowly he takes a step forward and he reaches out to my hand. The hand with which I'm holding the knive. I let him take the knive and I let him throw it into the sea. Then I fall into his arms sobbing all over his sweater.

  "Thank you so much." I say. "I know it now, that I should never do this. I don't even understand how I could. It isn't in my blood to act like this."
  "Don't worry," he says while holding me close. "You've got somebody now."

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