Run (A Bucky Barnes Recovery Story)

67 Happiness

“What if I’m never… Never really Bucky Barnes again?” Bucky said, putting the phone back to his ear.

“What do you mean?” Steve asked.

“I mean, what if I never get those memories back and I’m never the same as before?” Bucky said.

“You want my opinion?” Steve said, his voice still somewhat thick from sleep. “Now, don’t take this the wrong way, but whether you get your memories back or not, I don’t think you’re ever going to be ‘the same as before’. But that doesn’t matter, that was never the goal to begin with.”

“It wasn’t,” Bucky replied before Steve was finished, unsure if it was a question or a statement.

“It wasn’t,” Steve said with some energy and a surety that calmed Bucky’s panicking heart. “Before-that was years ago. We’ve both changed and being the same as before isn’t even on the radar. That’s not the goal.”

“Then what is the goal?” Bucky asked.

“Well…,” Steve said. “It’s about you. What do you think the goal is?” Bucky was quiet. A thousand words ran through his head, things he wanted.

“I want… I just want to be happy again,” he said quietly. “I think I’ve forgotten what that’s like, but I want it.”

“Yeah, me too,” Steve said back.

“I’m just scared I’m never going to be me again,” Bucky continued, leaning forward and away from the back of his couch, putting his elbow on his knee.

“But Buck… You are Bucky Barnes,” Steve replied. He sounded almost incredulous, as though this was something he hadn’t realized that Bucky struggled with. “That’s not the name of the person from before, that’s your name and it’ll be your name forever, no matter what happens. Your identity isn’t something that’s concrete, okay? People change, but you’re still you,”

“Okay,” Bucky said and the lump in his throat grew.

“And I’m still gonna be your friend, okay?” Steve added and Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, hot wetness rolling down his face.

“Okay,” he whispered again.

“How’re you feeling?” Steve asked after a while and Bucky used the back of his hand to wipe at his face.

“Thank you,” he only said quietly.

“Don’t mention it, buddy,” Steve replied. “And hey,” he added loudly, yawning. “It’s been almost a week, you think Tony’s done with your arm yet? Maybe he’ll call in the morning.”

“Yeah,” Bucky said, smiling a little and still trying to dry his face. “Think he’ll make it gold and red, too?” He didn’t know what he was doing, joking. He didn’t want to forgive Steve yet, but he knew he needed this. Talking with Steve, he felt more human and more himself than he had that entire week. Steve laughed.

“You know, he’s got, like, blasters in his palms,” he said.

“My other arm couldn’t do that,” Bucky replied as a joke and then Steve hesitated.

“You know, I don’t know how we’re going to get your arm back, Buck,” Steve said and Bucky frowned again.

“We’re going to have to,” he said.

“Why?” Steve asked and Bucky realized that Steve really didn’t know. Bucky wasn’t sure if he could explain.

“I…,” he started. “I mean, Steve, it’s my arm. That’s just it. I don’t want another one, I want my arm back.”