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Saying Good Bye

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As the school holidays approach, I start to put my plan in the motion. I deliberate for some time, on how to tell Sam that I am going home. Not telling him at all is not an option, as I am constantly being watched and I can't lie to fool a child.

I have developed a method of telling lies. I tell the truth for the most part, but it is a partial truth or embellishment of the truth.

I start telling him about Mel's calls and her request for a visit. He is with me few times when she calls. I start saying, how I wish I can go, but I know it is unsafe. Sam is sympathetic to my plight. He mentions that, he will accompany me, if I want and his schedule allows.

Wait a minutes, he wants to come with me to Chang family gathering! It's impossible. What I am going to introduce him as? My boyfriend? I imagine myself, presenting Sam as my boyfriend. I try to picture his and their reaction. I can't even think what to expect. Sam does not fit in any definition of a boyfriend. If I have to give a name to the relationship, then I can call him my paramour.

If I do introduce Sam as my boyfriend, the next questions are going to be, where he lives and what his profession is? I definitely cannot give honest answers to these questions.

I have dug myself a big hole here. I will have to extract myself from this situation. I harp on about how I don't want to inconvenience Sam. He is busy with his business and can't leave everything just for my sake. He gets the message and does not insist on coming.

His next offer is even worse. Why don't I take Luke with me? Joe can tag along for our protection. Luke needs care during school holidays, it will be like killing two birds in one stone.

Preventing this disaster takes all my persuasion skills. I am feeling ashamed for abandoning Luke as it is. I convince myself that, I cannot worry about Luke. The person I should look after first and foremost is myself. Sam is quite capable of looking after Luke. Besides I am going to save more heartache for both Luke and myself when this thing between Sam and me ends.

I tell him that, I am going to Chang family as a guest, I can't take Luke or Joe with me. I will be busy the whole time and can't really look after a child. Luke does not know anyone there and there are no kids his age he can play with. He will be bored to tears, if he comes with me.

It is better for Luke if he stays here, and spends time with Sam. My friend, Alice can look after Luke when Sam is busy. Luke knows Alice and is comfortable with her. Alice can look after Luke competently. Although both Sam and Joe have to be careful around her as she is afraid of men.

I think Sam is on to my deception, however he does not reveal that he suspects anything. May be he is playing along so that I will be caught in my lies.

He does not discourage me from going. In fact he is very supportive. In his opinion, I am working too hard and need some rest. A holiday will do me a world of good. He is just not sure how much relaxation I can have if I go to the Chang family gathering. If I don't want him to come or take Luke with me then he won't be able to provide any protection. He will be worried for my safety. Luke will miss me the the whole time I am gone. I think, he is trying to guilt trip me.

I manage to convince him that I will be perfectly safe in my home town, where everyone knows everyone. I will spend most of my time surrounded by people who know and love me. I can call him everyday. This will help alleviate Sam's understandable worry, at the same time I will talk to Luke and make sure he is alright.

This communication between us does not feel like something a couple will have when they are having an affair. We are worrying and bickering like an old married couple.

The make out sessions between us become more and more intense. I am saying 'Good Bye' to him through our make out sessions, while he is making sure I will regret leaving him.

He tries to get me alone as often as possible. He even drags me to the bed in his office on Saturday afternoon.

He comes really close to making Love to me during this afternoon session. However to my eternal regret, he does not go far enough. I think he has lost control for the first time in his adult life, he is looking ashamed.

I have gone through a ringer. I am left with a big disappointment and exhaustion. I can see wetness around Sam's eyes which could be tears.

He becomes more and more tender in his dealings with me. He holds me, kisses me, embraces me passionately every chance he gets. He closes my eyes and gives me surprise gifts. He takes me to places, organises picnics and twilight walks sometimes just two of us or with Luke.

He is making it hard for me to leave him. As my departure date draws near, he intensifies his assault. I sometimes wish, he would tell me that he knows my plan, request me to not leave him, say the big Love word or even a small like word, or mention that he would miss me if I left.

However, he is very stubborn and proud. He would never ever open himself for any kind of rejection. Then again, I am pig headed myself, so we both are well matched.

Luke, with a child's intuition has picked the tension between us. I think he senses that I am going to leave. He does not want to let me out of his sight. He wants to go with me. I request that, he should stay and give his dad company so that his dad won't be too lonely. He wants me to promise to bring him lots of presents when I come back. Sam is looking at me with intensity during this time. I am put on the spot. I don't want to promise something to Luke that I might not deliver, at the same time I want to console him.

I promise to check with Santa and request early presents for him. I am sure Santa will give lots of presents to Luke as he is been such a good boy. He is satisfied with this promise. However I am utterly miserable.

The day for my departure dawns. I find saying good bye to not only Luke but lots of other people in the block. I receive kisses on my cheeks, hugs or slap on my back from various people. Everyone is telling me to be careful.

Sam is standing near driver's side door of a car that I have never seen before. I see Joe loading my bags in the boot of the car. My heart just sinks at this point. Is he going to drive me to my town? My intention was to catch the country train to go in the town and ask someone to pick me up from the train station.

He motions me to sit in the car. I sit down on the passenger side and strap myself up. I see Alice holding Luke's hand and Luke waving me. I keep watching him till he grows blurry with the distance.

The car suddenly stops. Sam has parked the car on the side of the main road, when we are just about to join the freeway. He takes my seatbelt off and bodily lifts me from the seat. He delivers me a brief but passionate kiss. He puts me back down again.

"You do have current drivers license, don't you?", he asks me all of sudden. "And you will be able to drive from here on?" I nod at him. He hands me the car keys and some papers, which look like registration papers. "The car is yours. You can take it from here". He stops my objection, "Look, it's the least I can do for everything you have done. I bought it for you. It's automatic and I would be rather die than be seen driving one of them. It's not brand new but about a year old and in good condition. You know I can afford to give it away."

He gets off the car to open the passenger side door for me. He waits patiently for me to sit in the drivers seat. He watches me adjust my seat, my mirrors and strap myself up.

"But, how will you go home from here?" "I will call a cab or I can always walk."

He is still watching me, as if waiting for me to say something. I want to bid goodbye to him, but his expression indicates that he is going to refuse the farewell from me. I am sure he will say something like, 'This is not a good bye.'

Both of us want the other person to make the first move, but no one wants to initiate the conversation. He engages me in staring contest hoping that I will break.

Finally he realises that I am not going to open my mouth. He nods his head, asks me to be take care and walks away without a backward glance.

I am leaving everything to save myself from future heartache, but I think it is already too late. He is walking away and taking my heart with him.

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