We could have had it all

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Two weeks later 2011
Caitlin's Pov
I sit in the waiting room of the hospital with my right leg shaking. I put my hands together and I feel my palms sweating. My breathing is incredibly fast and it feels like all of the anxieties in the world are on my shoulder.

It's been a mess. One giant mess and there's no way to clean it up. This wasn't a clean break when it came to Barry and I. Well, he thinks it was but it wasn't.

I've never really kept secrets with Barry or anyone but I had to do it this time. If I didn't then everything would be even worse probably.

I still haven't actually fully interpreted the idea that I'm pregnant and Barry's gone. I thought I would be picturing happy things when it came to having a child. The entire idea of it though is consumed by the idea that I'm alone.

All of those happy ideas vanished with six simple words.

"Caitlin?" I hear a woman with a clipboard shouting.

She's dressed in green scrubs and has a bright smile on her face. I'm guessing she's a nurse. I slowly walk to her and try to keep breathing.

"Caitlin Snow?" She says looking up at me.

"Yes."

"I'm Skyleigh. I'll lead you to your room."

"Thank you."

Skyleigh seems to be a quirky but bright smiled type of person.

She opens the door to a small room that has everything needed.

"The Doctor will be with you in just a minute."

"Thank you."

She shuts the door and walks out. I'm left alone again.

I hate the fact that me being here probably means that I'm going to eventually have to accept this. It's a step to that and I'm completely terrified.

I sit in a chair in the room patiently waiting. I tap my fingers together and start to pull down on my hair. It feels like I've been waiting for a lifetime right now. I look at the time and realize it's only been four minutes. The world is just moving slow apparently.

I don't know if I've ever been so scared in my entire life then I am right now.

I hear a soft knock on the door and then a woman walking in.

"I'm doctor Janice and you're...Caitlin Snow."

"Yes."

"So you're here for a abdominal ultrasound?"

I try and breathe again. Hearing words that have to do with anything with the fact that I'm pregnant just gives me a mini anxiety attack basically.

"Um yeah."

"And how far along are you?"

"Eight weeks."

She continues to ask questions and write in a notepad. I respond to the questions with my voice shaking and barely being able to breathe. The entire world just feels like it's spinning.

"Okay, lets get started now." She walks up and starts to give me instructions but I already know the procedure and not wanting to hear it,
I interrupt her.

"I know what to do."

I feel like that was rude to say but I couldn't handle the words she was saying.

Once I finally lay down on the table to do the ultrasound I try to relax but it's not really working. She puts on her gloves and starts to set up everything but in the process she starts to ask more questions.

"Where's dad?" She asks seeing that I'm all alone. Barry isn't here which breaks my heart more.

"He's- um-he's....he's gone. We're no longer together."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's fine."

It's not fine but why not add more lies? I take a deep breath as I pull up my shirt and she puts the gel on my stomach.

"You seem to be nervous. Is it all okay? I mean, I know a lot of people would be but it looks like you're about to die or something."

"I just imagined this under different circumstances. I didn't think that this is how it would play out. It doesn't feel okay and I'm going to be honest...I don't want to do this."

She looks at me with tears in my eyes as I try to breathe again.

"If you truly don't want to be a mother, there's always other options."

"I won't terminate. I can't do that."

"Are you ready now?"

"Let's just please get this over with."

She begins to start everything and I try to hold back tears.

The monitor has a black and white screen and it terrifying to me. I can't even stare at it. I begin to hear a loud noise and it's a low and high pitch. I realize it's the fetal heartbeat and a different feeling floods my body. I don't know what it is but it gave me the courage to look at the monitor.

Since I've studied this before, I know what to do.

I cover my mouth and tears pour down my face. I hate this and I don't know what I'm doing.

The doctor pauses the screen and sets everything down. She comes over to be and removes her gloves. She takes my freehand and looks at me in the eyes.

"It'll be okay, Caitlin. It will be fine."

"It won't, it wont, it won't." I say as I start to hyperventilate.

"It'll be okay. You're going to be a mother. You're going to have a baby."

"Six words I don't want to hear."

"What do you mean?"

I forget she has no idea about my unlucky number of six.

"I can't be a mother now. I can't keep it. I'm going to give it up."

"Adoption?"

"Yes, a closed one. I'm too young for this.
I can't do this without him."

"You know how hard it's going to be."

"It will be harder to keep it."
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Authors note: Not crying at all or anything.

Btw a closed adoption is the one where you legally can't see the child after you give them up.

I seriously shouldn't be writing at midnight

Teaser: C: "CAUSE I LITERALLY HAVE NO ONE ELSE!" I scream as the pain comes back.

T: You haven't talked to me in years and you just think I'll come to rescue you now?

-Caitlin and her mom (its a phone call btw)

Anyways,

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