Happier

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Dear Emma,

Walking down 29th and park

It wasn't easy walking down this road alone; without your hand in mine or your laugh mixing with my own.

I saw you in another's arms

That probably hurt me the most. Seeing his arms wrapped around your slim figure, where I used to hold you as we danced or cuddled on a Sunday morning.

Only a month we've been apart

We haven't been apart for long and although some say I should move on, I still feel you in every single inch of my soul. Your voice still echoes in my ears, your smile is still behind my eyelids and your body is still engraved on my fingertips.

You look happier

But you're happier now and I'd sit in pain forever just to see you smile.

Saw you walk inside a bar

I stare at you from across the street. You don't see me but you look absolutely beautiful today and that aches my heart. I want to tell you you look gorgeous, but I don't.

He said something to make you laugh

Your head is thrown back as you laugh at what he says. I smile a bit at that. You've always looked so beautiful whenever you laugh and your nose crinkles or tears form in your beautiful eyes. I just wish I was the one making you laugh like that.

I saw that both your smiles were twice as wide as ours

I remember those times when we would just sit and talk for hours. You'd make a joke or show me a meme and we would laugh so hard and just grin at each other. I see you doing it with him now and it stings.

Yeah you look happier, you do

You look at him with a shy smile and starry eyes; I wonder, do you miss me? You seem fine without me.

Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you

I know. I know I hurt you. All those dumb fights about shit I didn't even mean and I remember when you looked at me with tears in your dull eyes and just shook your head; walking out, finally giving up on me.

But ain't nobody love you like I do

But I promise you, I never meant to hurt you. I love you and I still do.

Promise that I will not take it personal baby

I need you to know that I don't blame you for leaving me. I would've left me too. We were already a wreck and I was just the wrecking ball  always destroying everything.

If you're moving on with someone new

I'm happy that you found someone who makes you smile the way I used to. You deserve happiness more than anyone else on this goddamn earth.

Cause baby you look happier, you do

All I've ever wanted was to see you happy, did you know that? I gave up on my happy ending with you so you could have one. I hope he is worth it because honestly, love, I would sit in this pain forever if it means you're happy.

My friends told me one day I'll feel it too

I know one day when all the scars have healed, maybe I'll be happy too. That's what everyone keeps telling me and maybe they're right. Maybe.

And until then I'll smile to hide the truth

But until that time comes, I'll remain a broken soul, faking smiles and forcing laughter.

But I know I was happier with you

Because I know nothing and no one will ever fill the hole you left inside of me when you left; when you took my light away and now I just sit in darkness.

Sat in the corner of the room

I'm sitting in our room now, the smell of your perfume still lingers in my veins and memories of us replay in my head, forming tears in my eyes.

Everything's reminding me of you

You're still the part of me I can never get rid of. You're still everywhere inside of me and I hate it. I hate knowing that I'm not even part of you anymore. Do you still remember me?

Nursing an empty bottle and telling myself you're happier

That was insensitive. I'm sorry, I should probably not write this when I'm drunk but I needed the courage. I needed this outlet.

Aren't you?

I'm going to confess something fucked up. A small part of me hopes that you're not happy with him. How could you choose him when you promised me forever?

Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you

There I go again. I'm sorry, love. 

But ain't nobody need you like I do

I guess I'm just over emotional right now, needing you more than ever but you're not here.

I know that there's others that deserve you

You're not here because you and I both know you deserve so much more than I can give you and trust me, I understand that, love.

But my darling I am still in love with you

I just wish things were different. I wish you were here with me instead of him. But I guess I'll have to accept that he owns your heart now.

But I guess you look happier, you do

This is what I wanted, yet every single part of me wants to get on my knees and beg you to stay. But I won't. I want you to be happy.

My friends told me one day I'll feel it too

Don't worry about me, love. I won't try anything stupid ever again. I know it hurt you and I don't want you to be hurt over my worthless life ever again.

I could try to smile to hide the truth

I promise you I'll stay alive just to see you get the happiness you deserve. I'll pretend that it doesn't hurt me whenever you utter his name and I'll just give you a smile to let you know I still love you even though he loves you more.

But I know I was happier with you

I just want to thank you for making me feel alive after all of these years. It was a rush being alive and for once actually living.

Baby you look happier, you do

I hope he makes you feel that way.

I knew one day you'd fall for someone new

I hope he takes the time to memorize every single detail about you like I have done so many times.

But if he breaks your heart like lovers do

I hope he treats you right and my love, if he doesn't, he will lose the greatest thing that could've been and that would be to grow old with you.

Just know that I'll be waiting here for you

I planned to say a lot more terrible things to you but in the end I just want to tell you I hope you're happy.

I love you.

- Regina








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