Everyone saw what was going on between the two of you. There was no just Alex or only Joan. It was always Alex and Joan, Joan and Alex, Alex with Joan, Joan with Alex. It was like you couldn't exist without the other and for the longest time, it didn't bother you. But every time he confesses his love for you, it's like everything pours down on you in cold water - how he could let him lose himself just so you could be together. It might have come unnoticed how you cared for him and how you still do. You cared for him by not showing. You cared for him by saving him from your truth. You've asked yourself a lot of times if what you felt for him was just an echo of his feelings for you, and for quite a while, you were terrified that the answer might be no. So you used it as a defense to hide what you really felt for him. But maybe it was for the best because the more that you've grown with each other, the more the world has shrunk for you.
You knew that if you have said it then, there was no way that he'd let you go away now. You were too selfish and him, too selfless and what a dangerous combination that is. So for now, you allow yourself to be selfish. If that's what it takes to make him think of himself first, then maybe it's okay to be selfish. Maybe it's okay to withhold your love for him first if that means he'd love himself more.
Author's Note: Here's a link to Alex & Joan's Playlist if ever you wanna check it out https://open.spotify.com/user/kimberxlee/playlist/0w0S16xyStrszB3qmAnSXB?si=aX7FNDCtQQeOdBJs-sWiuQ <3