1) ‘Doctor, doctor, can I have second opinion?’ ‘Certainly. Come back tomorrow!’
2) ‘Doctor, doctor, can you cure my sleepwalking?’ ‘Try these.’ ‘Are they sleeping pills?’ ‘No. They’re tin tacks. Sprinkle them on the floor.’
3) ‘Doctor, doctor, everyone I meet thinks I’m a liar!’ ‘I’m sorry but I can’t believe that!’
4) ‘Doctor, doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.’ ‘Next please!’
5) ‘Doctor, doctor, have you got something for a headache?’ ‘Yes. Take this hammer and hit yourself on the head.’
6) ‘Doctor, doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?’ ‘Stick your foot out and trip it up!’
7) ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t get to sleep.’ ‘Sit on the edge of the bed and you’ll soon drop off.’
8) ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t stop my hands shaking!’ ‘Do you drink a lot?’ ‘Of course not. I spill most of it!’
9) ‘Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.’ ‘I’ll deal with you later!’
10) ‘Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.’ ‘For goodness sake, pull yourself together.’
11) ‘Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pig!’ ‘How long have you been feeling like this?’ ‘Oh, about a weeeeeeeeeeek!’
12) ‘Doctor, doctor, I feel like a sheep.’ ‘Oh dear, that sounds baaaaaaaaaad!’
13) ‘Doctor, doctor, I feel like a spoon!’ ‘Sit there and don’t stir!’
14) ‘Doctor, doctor, I feel terrible!’ ‘What are the symptoms?’ ‘It’s a cartoon show with yellow people.’
15) ‘Doctor, doctor, I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee.’ ‘Try taking the spoon out.’
16) ‘Doctor, doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.’ ‘Don’t answer!’
17) ‘Doctor, doctor, I have bananas growing out of both ears!’ ‘Good God! How did that happen?’ ‘What did you say?’
18) ‘Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming about necrophilia, sadism and bestiality!’ ‘Forget it, you’re flogging a dead horse.’
19) ‘Doctor, doctor, I keep feeling like I’m a packet of savoury biscuits!’ ‘Oh no. You’re crackers!’
20) ‘Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing images of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck!’ ‘I see, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?’
21) ‘Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog.’ ‘Sit on the couch and we’ll talk about it.’ ‘I can’t, I’m not allowed on the couch!’
22) ‘Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a vampire.’ ‘Necks please!’
23) ‘Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m invisible.’ ‘Who the hell said that?’
24) ‘Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there are two of me.’ ‘One at a time please.’
25) ‘Doctor, doctor, I need something to keep my hair in.’ ‘Here’s a shoe box.’
26) ‘Doctor, doctor, I snore so loudly I keep myself awake.’ ‘Have you tried sleeping in another room?’
27) ‘Doctor, doctor, I think I need glasses.’ ‘You certainly do. This is a garage.’
28) ‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a bridge.’ ‘What’s come over you?’ ‘Two cars, a truck, and a coach.’
29) ‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a dog.’ ‘How long have you felt like this?’ ‘Ever since I was a puppy!’
