Its been about a week since I got back home.
Things were running as smoothly as possible.
Brian would do anything I asked.
He didn't go out at night.
He would only answer his phone if it was his parents or the guys.
He was being completely attentive.
I understood that he was trying.
But I was still hurt, and that made me bitter.
The highlight of my week was when Brian came home and saw me taking apart our bed.
I hadn't been sleeping in it.
I didn't want to.
Just the idea made me sick to my stomach.
I ripped off all of the sheets, blankets, comforters and pillow cases until the bed was bare.
I took the mattress out and threw it in the hallway.
I took the bed apart piece by piece and when Brian walked in, his mouth fell open in shock.
He didn't say anything, just stood there watching me. He eventually got over it and started helping me, bringing the big and heavy stuff down the stairs and to the curb with the rest of the garbage.
I took the sheets and stuff to the fireplace.
I lit a match and threw it down, watching it all catch flame.
It was actually very soothing to watch it burn.
It made me feel like this was the end and I could finally move on.
I breathed in a sigh of relief.
It's been almost a month and a half since the whole incident.
I don't really know what to do. Cynthia has always been my comfort, my safe place, the person who was always there for me.
But I had hurt her.
Worse then I had ever before.
How do I go from being the one always comforted, to the one who has to the comforting.
I never once stopped to think about how my actions affected her.
I was selfish and stupid as hell.
I'm lucky that she didn't leave me like most would have.
She's sticking by me.
Just like she always has.
She's the one that needs me to be there for her and I don't know what to do to make this easier for her.
I've tried to be supportive.
I do what she asks, I don't go out anymore.
I rarely ever talk on the phone unless it's my parents or the guys.
I stay with her unless she leaves to hang out with the girls.
Even though I've been spending so much time with her, it doesn't feel like we're making any progress.
I can still feel the distance between us and I hate it.
I hate not being able to kiss her whenever I want, or hug her when I want.
All things I took for granted before.
I'm trying to give her as much space as she needs but I just want to be close to her.
To show her how much she means to me and I can't live without her by my side.
I just don't know how to do it.
I'm scared shitless that if we don't fix this soon, she'll meet someone else who instantly sees how great she is.
I'll lose her forever.
I can't have that.
I wouldn't be able to live with that.
She is my life.
If she's not here, I might as well not be either.