I looked down at everything she gave to me then back up at her. "You didn't have to do this Carlee."
"Yes I did because if I didn't the next time someone came in your house it might be too late. I may be mad at you but I'm not going to lie about me caring for you. I'm not about to let you go out like that. We have children to raise. Kylee is only 12, there are only things that you can tell our sons. Get your shit together Chris."
"I will I promise. Thank you."
She nodded. "If you don't do this there is nothing else you have to say to me or your children."
"I'll do it, I just have one request."
"And that is?" She folded her arms across her chest.
"Be there with me the first day. I want my whole family there. You, the kids, my mom."
"Chris, I don't know. I'll talk to the kids and your mom but me, I think signing you up was enough."
I walked closer to her but she moved back. "Carlee please, just walk in there with me. I know I ruined everything but ba- Carlee, you're all I got."
She looked up at me, I could tell she was fighting with herself with what she should do. She took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair. "I'll go, but I just want for you to tell me why. Why did you do all of this? The drugs, the cheating, why Chris?" Her eyes were slowly turning red.
"I wanna tell you everything but I'm afraid that it's just going to make you hate me even more."
"It's that bad huh?"
I nodded.
"Did you love her?" She asked.
"No." I answered with no hesitation.
"How Long has all of this been going on?"
I chewed on my bottom lip and just looked at her. That's not an answer I'm ready to give. That's just another stab to her heart. "I'd rather not say. At least not right now."
"Well what the fuck can you say Chris. I think I deserve a explanation for everything you put me through."
I grabbed her hand and led her to my couch to sit down. I sat next to her, never letting her hand go. I'm shocked she hasn't snatched away from me yet. "What I can do is give you the apology that you deserve. You were an amazing wife that I took for granted. I should've known better than to do the things that I've done. I shouldn't have hurt you the way that I have. Cherishing you and be 100 percent faithful and honest was all I had to do but I failed. The only reason I forced this divorce was because I feel like you should be with somebody whose going to treat you like a queen. I've broken so many promises, I promised I would never hurt you again. Carlee I fucked up big time, you really don't know the half. But I just want you to know that I'm sorry and no matter what I still love you more than anything in this world. I want you to be happy even if it hurts me."
"So you're really willing to sit back and watch someone else love me when you could've just fixed things."
"It wasn't that simple Carlee. I was in too deep. This wasn't like last time I really fucked up."
"You know what, forget waiting, I need to know. Tell me the truth, I deserve that."
"Carlee."
"Chris cut the bullshit and just tell me." She snatched her hand away. "Tell me!"
I exhaled and stood up. Placing my hands in my pockets I started to pace the floor. "You say you only realized the change in me 6 months ago but the truth is this has been going on much longer."
"How much longer?"
Stopping, I looked at her. "7 years."
Her eyes grew. "You're lying."
"I wish I was. 7 years ago our son walked in me doing drugs and since that day my life went down the drain. I met Robyn shortly after that."
"Im sorry." She placed her hands on her head. "You've been dealing with her for seven years?"
"Yeah."
Her hands ran over her face. Her leg began to bounce quickly she was getting upset but should I expect anything different?
"If I could take it all back I would. I'm so fucked up Carlee. I tried my hardest to stop what I was doing but I just couldn't. I love you and I didn't mean to hurt you. If I have to apologize a million times I will. I'm sorry."
She stared at the floor for a while before getting up and grabbing her things.
"Carlee."
"I gotta go, I gotta get out of here."
"Are you still going to be there when I go?"
Carlee finally looked up at me. Tears filled her eyes. "Everybody was right, I should've let you figure this out on your own. You were cheating on me for 7 years. 7 fucking years I thought my husband was being good and faithful. But no, not only were you doing drugs you were with that bitch!" She pushed me. "I don't ever want to hear you say that you love me or lie about loving her. Because if you did love me, this conversation wouldn't be happening. You don't treat the people you love like shit. You weren't supposed to just stomp all over my heart like that. You were with some junky ass crackhead and then coming home to me for 7 years straight. Can shit get any worse? My son watched you do drugs? Is this why he hates you so much? You've scarred both of my babies. What makes this even crazier is the fact that you tried to make me the bad guy when the monster all along was you. I honestly can't even wrap my mind around the shit I just heard."
"I didn't even want to tell you. I hate the way you're looking at me now."
"Because honestly Chris, you disgust me. You can talk to your sons and Kylee and your mom about going with you but count me out. I've done enough. I said I would be mad if you didn't go but now I'm just like fuck it. It's your life, not mine."
I groaned rubbing my face. "Carlee please."
"Goodbye Chris." She started walking to the door.
"Carlee........CARLEE!...CARLEE!"
The door slammed and the tears fell down my face. Where is the drugs when I need them. I just need to be numb right now.
Picking up a glass vase I tossed it at the wall. It took everything in me not to pick up a broking piece and cut my wrist.
She's right, how can I say I love her when I've done her the way I have.
I deserve to be alone, I made my bed now I have to lay in it.
