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Pulling up to my house, I sighed at the fact that it was now a crime scene. Cutting my car off I climbed out and headed up on the porch, snatching down the yellow tape and walking to the door. I looked down and there was a stack of mail along with tabloids. I picked it up then unlocked the door and headed inside.

My house was a mess, they destroyed everything and I know it's only because they were looking for drugs.

How could I allow myself to stoop this low? A dead woman in my bed, me almost overdosing. The whole world knows. The love of my life and my children hate me. I really fucked up, and there's no coming back from this.

Sitting down on my couch I just looked at everything around me then I glanced up at my wedding picture hanging above the fireplace. We were nearing 20 years and I fucked up because I let a woman get to me.

With Robyn, I felt young again. I felt fearless, with her none of my problems crossed my mind. She kept a smile on my face. I felt free. She didn't judge me when she found out I did drugs, she didn't put so much pressure on me. When my wife was too busy she was always free. She was never somebody I planned on making things official with. Whenever I talked about us being serious it was when I was high as a kite.

When it comes to Carlee, I look in her eyes and I seen my whole life. I was genuinely happy in my relationship. But she deserves better than me. Even though it KILLS me to live without her.

Did I love Robyn? No, she was just something to do when there was nothing to do.

My heart belongs to my wife.... well my ex wife.

I know this is all confusing. If I'm so in love with her why would I hurt her? Why did I try to tarnish her name? Why didn't I try to fix things once she found out about me cheating?

You see the bullshit I'm in now? I didn't want her involved. I didn't want her character questioned because I was out here doing dumb shit. Carlee is an AMAZING woman and I want her to remain that way in everyone's eyes. The drugs, Robyn, I don't want her to be connected to none of that.

The only thing I want is for her to continue living her best life.

I have so many messes to clean up. Starting with my kids. To know that Junior hates me as much as he does just breaks my heart. Our relationship has been ruined for so damn long because he knew that I was hurting his mom.

The day he caught me doing drugs he cried and begged me to  stop because he didn't want me to die. And I just begged him not to tell his mom instead of getting myself some help.

The way I bashed my own mother for doing drugs I'm not even sure how I got caught up in this. And now my kids are treating me how I treated her.

Sighing, I stood up from the couch and started walking to the kitchen until I heard my front door being unlocked. Furrowing my eyebrows I started walking in that direction trying to see who that was until the door fully opened and Carlee appeared.

"Carlee, what are you doing here?" I asked.

She didn't say anything just walked up to me and pushed a bunch of papers in my chest.

"What's this?" I asked again.

"Your rehab papers. I'm not giving you an option, you're going."

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