Solace

Chapter Eighteen

Trigger warning!

It wasn't that he was angry, but his hands and whole body were shaking as he reached for the bottle full of pills sitting directly opposite him on his desk. Everything in him was boiling, every limb in his body was shaking, his lungs not getting enough air due to the rapid breathing caused by the damn tears. What a time to be alive.

Opening the damn bottle was actually much harder than he first thought, with the sweaty palms, it almost fell out of his grip at one point and he really wanted at least one thing to go right, he at least wanted his death to happen as planned.

He didn't have much water left, having used it to swallow his required tablets earlier on in the day, but now he needed more, many more and he used the rest of the liquid to swallow three tablets at once, a grimace appearing on his lips immediately after swallowing. It was only on the sixth or seventh tablet that his throat started to burn from the lack of moisture and it was harder to swallow than before, but he needed to. The tablets needed to go down, there was no other way.

His head snapped up and heart began to race when a quiet knock came from the door, holding on to the bottle tightly, as if his life depended on it (which, technically, it did). It didn't take a genius to figure out who was stood behind that door, and Louis was glad, so fucking glad, that he managed to close the door before collapsing in a pool full of misery.

"Louis, please," it was a broken cry which Louis heard, however, frankly, he didn't want to hear any of it. He was embarrassed to no end, so broken, more or less feeling like a window after being hit with a heavy rock full of the truth.

It was only with the fifth knock and four more tablets later that he couldn't stand the sound of a fist against the door and the thought of Harry being outside, that he threw the container at the door. It opened and pills fell out and Louis didn't know what to do anymore. He fell on his bed, face against pillow and let his tears stream down his face, busy ignoring the broken sobs coming from the outside of his room.

He just needed for the tablets to work and stop his entire organism from working. That was all he needed; nothing more. He wanted to get away from the pain, is all. 

Before Louis knew it, although he knew that loads of time passed already, the knocks stopped and he couldn't hear any breathing on the corridor. It felt oddly pleasant to know that Harry wasn't there anymore but yet his body reacted differently and began to shake as rapid breaths were mixed with salty tears, muffled by the poor pillow.

When he eventually couldn't produce any more tears and his breathing got fairly back to normal, he felt weak, like he couldn't move any part of his body. His eyes were heavy from the tears, or maybe from the amount of the tablets he took too, but he didn't ponder upon it, just let his body fall into a state which was completely unknown to him.

It felt like he was asleep and couldn't wake up, invisible ropes tied around his wrists and strapped to the bed, everything felt heavy and sweat was forming on his forehead, the temperature in the room suddenly getting too hot.

The images he was seeing in his head weren't pretty either and he wished he could just escape it all quicker than this. It was dark, loud and tense in his head, the sudden images of Harry laughing flashing up every two seconds, every time he tried to turn around.

There was also a gun on the floor but his trembling hands couldn't pick it up, too scared to look like an idiot in front of the one who hurt him. It was only when Harry managed to pick up the gun and point it towards Louis that his eyes snapped open and his whole body shot up, ending up in a sitting position with a breath caught deep within his throat.