I, Death

Sunday January 29, 2012 - 9:24 PM

I haven’t been sleeping much since that last nightmare a few days ago.

The worst part about it, of course, is the fact that it’s not just a nightmare — it’s a nightmare in which I relived everything that occurred that night exactly as it happened. That's almost worse, I think.

Every time I close my eyes, I see Sarah’s father staring at me; his hurt, painful eyes. Dammit, why couldn’t he have just been pissed off with me and taken a swing at me? Why did he have to come off like that? All “I trusted you, Peter” and shit. Man, that’s what really gets me.

I also spent a long time reading and re-reading the three comments on my last post. It’s funny that Frank should mention me being a writer. That’s what Sarah wants to be. And she’s going to be a damn fine writer, too.

But that’s her. Not me.

At least Frank gets me. Fuck, the guy lives in South Africa (I followed his comment to his own blog — what a fucking awesome thing this whole blogging thing is), and he gets me. I don't know how he found my blog, but at least he fucking gets me. Yet people I know, within my own town, they just don’t get it.

There are a couple of other comments from Kelly and this Kim chick. Yeah, okay, I see the advice, and I hear you. Blah, blah, blah, fresh pain, if you love something set it free. Gee, you think I haven’t heard these things from my friends?

Well, I guess I would have heard these things from my friends if I was hanging around with them. But I haven’t been. I’ve been avoiding them since Sarah dumped me. You know why? Because I don’t want to hear all that bullshit from them. And now I’m reading it here. Jesus. You just can’t escape people and their unsolicited advice. Even if they're complete strangers and you haven't a fucking clue who they are.

I did let Sarah go, dammit. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I’ve tried to call her or approached her at all? It’s been almost a week. Fuck. What do you want? Want me to move to another town? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to just “back off” anyway? It’s not easy — not at all easy.

If only I could fucking sleep. Just a little bit.

– 5 Comments –

Frank — said . . .

Everyone is a pseudo-helpline these days. I just don't think women grasp what they do to us. Here's hoping you catch some sleep, Peter.

Goldilocks — said . . .

It's hard to chill out and sleep when you're worked-up over someone. Things just keep replaying over and over in your mind like a broken record. When I'm this way, I find that Tai chi helps me to chill and finally sleep...you should try it. :)

Kim — said . . .

I realize that the advice given to you on your blog is unsolicited and perhaps a little corny and self-explanatory. However, the reason you are getting advice from people is because your pain has touched them in some way. And that makes them reach out and want to be there for you. They may not understand completely what you're going through, but everyone that has loved someone like you love Sarah knows how horrible it feels to have that love ripped away.

If you don't want advice, then tell people to back off. Just keep in mind that you don't have to go through this on your own, if you don't want to.

(and by the way, men can do just as much to women as women can do to men!)

Mantaray Ocean — said . . .

Peter, Goldilocks is right. It is hard to chill out when you are that worked up over someone. I think I know some of what you must be going through, when it comes to Sarah. No matter what anyone says to you, you must follow through with your heart.

Not to give you more unwanted advice, but I find that the thoughts will stay in my head and play over...and over. The only escape I found was words. So, I begin to capture my thoughts, and put them on paper. I continued to write word upon word until all the thoughts that were in my head were now on paper. Then, I slept.

I really believe that your guidance counselor was on the right path in advising you to start a blog.

I hope that you find peace soon.

Trish — said . . .

I applaud you for going a week without calling or approaching Sarah. I know it's not easy. I've been in similar situations, and when you love someone so much, it's not easy to walk away. If only you could have the chance to show them how much you care, maybe things would be different...

Good luck, Peter.