Chapter 29: Not Your Problem

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I walked into my home that next morning for the first time since Rashad said our marriage was over. I still hadn't heard from him since he stormed out of the counselor's office, the afternoon before. Even though I cried about it when it first happened, I was pretty much numb to it outside of that. I didn't care about anything and all I wanted to do was to forget my life and get lost in the bed with Phillip. I knew I was partially using him by doing so, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't be alone that night and I wanted sex to fill the hole that was left in my heart. All I could think about was the fact that I had failed my daughters and was losing our family. The entire time I was at Phillip's condo, I was a shell of myself, I was physically there but I wasn't there. I was having sex with him, but mentally I wasn't.

I didn't know what I expected from Phillip outside of sex and a warm body, but I didn't expect him to get serious on me. He forced me to look at him as more than a sexual fantasy at a time when I wasn't ready. Everything he said was right, and he was fair to look out for himself, but I just didn't care. I wasn't trying to hurt him or Rashad, I only wanted the pain inside of me to stop and I was willing to do anything to reach that painless high.

I dropped my keys and my phone on the counter and looked around my home, the home Rashad and I had built together with our daughters. It still hadn't hit me that we were over. When it was all said and done, I wasn't even sure we would keep the house after the lawyers got involved and we began to split property. I also had to start thinking about teaching full-time or doing something that would bring in more income than I was.

That night, I called Rashad's mom so that I could talk to my girls. I could tell Rashad hadn't told his family anything, because his mom was in a great mood as we spoke. After hearing my girl's voice, I called my best friend and told her about the blow-up at the counselor's office. It only made her feel that much worse about introducing me and Phillip that night. I reminded her that it wasn't her fault. It was the case of Eve giving Adam the Forbidden fruit. Adam knew right from wrong, he knew God's instructions, but he chose to eat the fruit anyways. I knew what I was doing when I slept with Phillip and I didn't care about the outcome of what I had done. I was in a bad place mentally and still was the more I thought about it.

I thought about Dr. Osborne's offer to counsel me individually and it couldn't hurt to have someone to help me sift through the cobwebs in my head. I walked towards our daughter's room and sat down in the middle of the floor. I had plans for that day, but I didn't want to do anything but sit there doing nothing. I picked up one of Kiana's stuffed bears and hugged him. Since I had a few hours before I had to go teach a class, I decided to relax for a little to get my head right. I looked at the images of all the black female superheroes I had displayed on their wall and at that moment. I wished I could absorb their magical powers to transform myself into a better woman. I didn't know what was wrong with me anymore, but I felt like anything but one. I felt weak. Unpredictable. Common sense made no sense to me anymore.

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