I woke up early the next morning. But I didn't go for a surf. Because Luke was next to me, with his arms around me, looking like a million dollars even in his sleep, and I couldn't leave him. Not even for a second. So I shut my eyes, cherishing the feeling of his arms around me, and his breathing above me, just in case.
Just in case I never get to feel it again.
I was surprised when I woke up and rather than an empty bed, I was face to face with Kate. It was definitely a pleasant surprise. So I let out a little squeak and hugged her tighter, nuzzling my head into her neck and she laughed.
"Good morning, bub!" I say into her neck and she giggles.
"Morning, Papa Smurf"
"Papa Smurf?" I chuckle.
"It just came out" She says and I pull my head out of her neck. I look at her for a second before opening my mouth to speak, but I shut it again.
"Can I kiss you?" I finally ask.
"Yes please" She laughs and I smile widely at her, bending down and pecking her lips. Oh God, it was an amazing feeling to finally be able to do that.
"Luke?" She says quietly into my chest, and I can tell her mood has suddenly changed.
"What if- what if I went through with it? What if you never found me and Chloe had to come home to see my dead body laying on the ground?" She asks quietly and I feel a lump forming in my throat.
"Us boys would've taken care of her. We would've helped her, and I'm sure we'd all try to be strong for you, and for her. But hey, lets not think about the 'what ifs', lets just focus on the fact that we are here, together" I tell her, rubbing her arm softly.
"I just feel so horrible. I know that something changed since it happened. You boys are trying to act normal around me but I can tell you feel different"
"Well, you know about my nightmares. To be honest, it's all I ever think about lately. I think the other boys are trying to move on from it, trying to act like it didn't happen for their own sake. I know Calum isn't doing too well. I've heard him crying in his room a fair bit lately, and Ashton is always in there with him, helping him out. Chloe and Michael sort of just distract each other, I guess. But Michael told me they talk about it a lot. Chloe is always worried, but she doesn't want to smother you.
'But, you don't need to worry about us. You need to worry about yourself. We are coping, we will be fine, you just need to help yourself to recover"
"Why didn't they put me on suicide watch?" She asks me, looking at me curiously.
"It took a lot of string-pulling, and a lot of convincing, but we managed to get them to let you out of it. Chloe's mum helped a lot, too. Turns out she is quite the lawyer" I smile at her and her expression is unreadable.
"There is one thing that I forgot to tell you, though" I say slowly.
"You have to attend a therapy session once a month. But it's only for two hours, and only once a month, an you can go whenever you want. It's just one of the conditions" I explain quickly, not wanting her to get angry at me.
"I'm sure I'll survive" She smiles.
"You're not mad?"
"I'm just glad you guys went through so much effort for me"
"Anything for my bub" I grin at her, kissing her forehead and hugging her tightly to my chest.
"Is everyone really that worried about me?" She asks after a minute of silence and I sigh.
"Yes, Kate. We all love you a lot more than you think. We would be absolutely crushed if you had've gone through with it. I don't know what I would've done with myself" I admit and she nods, before her eyes look distant and she is deep in thought. I watch her for about 5 minutes before she suddenly gets up and walks away.
"Where are you going?" I ask her, sitting up straighter.
"I just need to go" She says quietly before leaving the room, and I'm left, completely and utterly stunned.
I jump off the bed and rush downstairs to hear the front door slam shut. I decide it's probably best if I don't follow her, so I search for Chloe instead, and I find her sitting on the floor of hers and Michael's room, dealing out a deck of cards to Michael and herself.
"Chloe, can I talk to you a minute?" I ask and she nods, jumping to her feet and following me away from their room and into the hallway, where we are alone.
"It's Katie. We were laying in bed, and we were talking, and then she was laying there for about 5 minutes and then she just got up and left. When I asked where she was going, she said she just has to go and she just walked out the front door. I don't know what happened, she just suddenly switched moods. She was fine a few minutes ago" I rush out, running a hand through my flattened hair. I hadn't gotten around to styling it or anything. I only just got out of bed.
"What were you talking about, exactly?" Chloe asks me, her eyebrows raised.
"Uh, she was talking about that night that I- that I found her. She was saying all these what-ifs and I was telling her that that doesn't matter because it's in the past, and she told me that she feels like we have all changed since and I told her about all of us, and how we are struggling, and I told her not to worry about us. Then she asked about the whole suicide watch thing, and I explained it to her-"
"That's probably why she's mad" Chloe butts in and I shake my head.
"No, no. She was happy that we cared enough to go to all that trouble. Then I said that we would all be absolutely crushed if she were to leave us, an I told her I wouldn't know what to to with myself. And then she zoned out for a couple minutes and then got up and left"
"Why did you tell her about the other boys?" Chloe asks me.
"What? You want me to lie to her? Tell her that everyone is fine, and that her almost killing herself had no affect on anybody?" I say defensively, my voice raising just a little bit.
"Jesus Luke, no need to yell at me"
"Look, Chloe I'm sorry, I'm just worried about Kate" I sigh, rubbing my hand over my face.
"It's fine. I'll go try find her and I'll talk to her, okay? But if she doesn't want me to tell anyone else what's wrong, I'm sorry but I can't go against that. So think I have a rough idea of what's going on with her, but you can never tell with Katie"
"Thank you, thank you" I say, hugging her tightly. She pats my back and then I let go of her, letting her walk back to her room. I hear her tell Michael what she is doing before she walks downstairs and I hear the front door shut.
"Luke! Come play with me, seeing as my girlfriend left me" Michael yells, his head peeking around his door and I nod, in need of a distraction from my racing thoughts. "Hey, she's gonna be alright" Michael tells me sincerely and I nod once again, sitting down across from him and beginning a very heated game of Go Fish.
"Luke is worried sick about you" Chloe says, sitting down next to me on the big flat rock I had found. A cigarette hangs between my fingers, I was in desperate need of a quick relaxation.
"Oh" Is all I say, because that is exactly why I had walked away so abruptly.
"What's wrong, Katie?" Chloe sighs, looking out at the waves in front of us. I had walked down the beach for a bit until I found the perfect rock to sit on, so I sat down and lit up a cigarette.
"That boy. That boy is what's wrong" I say, taking a drag off of the long stick containing the nicotine I was craving.
"As far as I heard, he did nothing wrong"
"I'm going to need you to elaborate"
"He didn't do anything wrong. He just scared me, is all. Chloe, what if I have another bad day, but I'm not cowardly enough to chicken out and I actually I through with it? I can't destroy all these people, Chlo. I care about them too much, and it scares me because my life isn't a certainty. I'm at a point where I'm not even sure how long I can last" I explain, not taking my eyes off of the water. I felt too foolish to make eye contact with her.
"You know what? You're an idiot, Katie. You are a full on idiot. The fact that you didn't follow through doesn't make you a coward. It means something inside of you told you that it was a bad idea, and you listened to that voice, and it did you wonders. There is nothing wrong with people caring about you, Kate. There is nothing wrong at all, okay, and I'm sure that these boys will
do everything in their power to prevent you from leaving them. And you know I will, too. There's no point in avoiding them" I know she is right, but my thoughts are telling me otherwise and it's hard not to listen to them.
I didn't want to hurt Luke. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to be with him so bad, but I couldn't help the constant fear of him leaving me as soon as he finds out about me. I knew I couldn't keep it inside any longer, because he needed to know. We were already moving so quickly, I was falling so hard and so fast, and I needed to tell him before I got too attached. But unfortunately, it isn't nearly that easy. Oh God, do I wish it was.
"I need to tell him, don't I?" I ask her and she nods, confirming my thoughts.
"It'll be hard as hell, but you need to do it. It's important. He won't leave Katie, you and I both know he isnt like that. Don't let your insecurities paint a false picture of the people around you" She gets up and leaves me with that last piece of advice, and I sit there and let it run around inside my head like a marathon runner.
I need to tell Luke.
I pull out my phone and send him a text, telling him to meet me in the park across the road from the beach house in half an hour, before making my way there myself. When I show up, he is standing at the entrance and I walk past him, beckoning for him to follow me as I lead us through the park and into the dense trees at the back of it. When we are out of sight, I sit down against a tree trunk and look up at Luke who I still standing.
"Luke, I think you should sit down. We need to talk" I tell him and he sits down across from me, "I need you to understand, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to tell anyone, and Chloe and her parents are the only people I've ever told. Feel free to get up and leave whenever you want, I completely understand if you never want to talk to me again" It feels like I say it all in one breath, but Luke seems to understand because he reaches over and squeezes my knee before placing his hand back in the lap of his crossed legs.
"Take your time" He says with an assuring smile and that's all I need to be able to continue.
sorry for the shitty ending and generally shitty chapter but hey oh well.
okay so I ended it here because I want the rest to be in the next chapter soooooo yah okay
love you all thanks for everything you all mean the world <3
~Abbey (Queen of Nuggetville)