Speckled Affection

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Sometimes I open the darkness just to see if my eyes have adjusted --
can adjust.
I prepare myself.
I fail.
Other times I run into the darkness accidentally --
and I try to grab hold of you to steady myself from tearing into.
I fail.
The words jump off the canvas and strangle my heart.
I look back at what's already been hurtled and find the noose I escaped dangling and ready to hug me.
I face forward and see you.
The one whose caused this.
Beginning to end.
And I love you --
and sometimes I hate that.
Because I'm broken and still shattering --
all because your perfect lips parted to utter nectar to flowers that would never actually be part of your garden.
Trying to settle the eruption of my chest is like trying to capture dandelions that have been blown.
Attempting to piece it back together for just one more wish --
and to close my eyes and release the wish to be enough has been a mantra for far too long --
 and your eyes hold me steady while they break me down --
and listen I can't take them off of you because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid another breeze will cause tumbleweed to crash into you --
and that hurdle will stare me down with a smirk because I should have known better,
but all I want to know is you.
Jumbled.
Messy.
Unclear.
The definition of me right now --
and the darkness is to blame

LJ
"confessions" 

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