fragile ∾ pjm + myg

chapter twenty-three

Sorry wouldn't do it this time and Jimin was scared of what that meant.

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The car ride to the hospital was just as awful as the ride back to the dorm. There were tears streaming down his cheeks since Seokjin had pulled him up from the ground and all of them forced him into the car while the memories of what happened slowly came back to him. None of the members spoke to him more than the necessary words at the hospital, only Namjoon and Yoongi going inside the building with him; they must have made something up, but Jimin didn't bother to hear, staring at a fixed part of the counter ahead of him; muting everything else.

His stomach hurt just as much as the rest of his body when they made it back home, antidote applied to his blood system to reverse any effect the pills he took may cause him in the further hours. Jimin felt like his stomach was on fire, throat burning from before and mind still hazed from all the pills. They had sent him home after a few hours of observation - and trying his best to ignore the older members that refused to leave his side. Jimin felt like a child that couldn't be trusted, and if he was being honest with himself he didn't trust himself either. He couldn't blame anyone for not doing it too.

The sun was finally coming up the horizon when they finally made it back to the dorm, the air tense between all of them; even if Yoongi was holding his hand in a death grip, scared shitless of letting it go. Scared Jimin would once again slip right through his fingers. He tried explaining it; he really did. He tried to explain how he wasn't thinking and that he didn't mean to, that he didn't want this to happen; he was just trying to fucking sleep, to shut his mind off. But they never answered him, barely even looked at him. And that, that was the thing that's hurting Jimin the most.

He ignored the voice calling him when they got there, ripping his hand away from Yoongi and rushing to their room, not even bothering to close the doors as he threw himself face flat against against the pillow and just screamed, voice muffled by the fluffy object. He just screamed, tears escaping his eyes and wetting the fabric underneath him; screamed until all he could do was open his mouth in a soundless shout, voice overused and refusing to cooperate with him anymore. He just couldn't believe this, he couldn't believe any of this. This was never supposed to happen, he was doing ok, things were good. They had just arrived home from a fucking world tour and Jimin was already causing everyone a fucking headache like the fucking burden he is. Everyone was supposed to be resting and Jimin just had to go and ruin everything for them just like he ruined for himself.

A sob escaped his open mouth, throat contracting and burning; he was just so frustrated at himself, it's unbelievable. He didn't mean for this to happen, he swears on his goddamn life.

He didn't mean for this to happen.

The singer flinched when he felt a hand touch the middle of his back, even if the touch was gentle, not even realizing someone else was in the room; squirming away from it, even if he already knew who it was. He couldn't even look at Yoongi right now, couldn't look at his boyfriend's eyes, the same eyes he had promised so many times that he wasn't gonna do anything. That he wasn't gonna try to kill himself one more time, that he was gonna try. So much for promising things.

That never seemed to lead Jimin to good places.

"Shh, it's just me. It's just me, Minnie, it's just Yoongi," he felt the bed shift as the rapper slowly tried to get closer to him again, but not going as far as touching him this time, "You're ok; we're ok. I promise. It's just me."

Jimin's muscles slowly relaxed and Yoongi deemed that enough to try and touch him again, this time the younger staying quiet, face still pressed against the damp pillow. The elder crawled closer, lying down by Jimin's side, arm going around his waist so he could pull himself a bit closer to the younger, even if he still refused to look at him. They stayed in silence, the only sound being heard was of Jimin's fast breath and Yoongi's slow one, hand drawing formless things on Jimin's waist, trying his best to calm down the younger; even if he was trying to calm himself down too.

"I'm sorry," Jimin heard Yoongi whisper, voice so low he thought he had just imagined it, but being proved wrong when Yoongi said it again, "I'm so sorry, Jimin," that made the younger shift, taking off the pillow a small part of his face, only to find Yoongi staring down instead of at him like he normally would.

"Wha-" he tried, throat burning from all the screaming, making him cringe but keep going, trying to ignore the aching sensation, "What are you apologizing for? This was me. This is all on me."

"I could've stopped you," the elder's voice was still a whisper, making Jimin have to slip closer to the rapper, "I woke up when you got up but then I heard you in the kitchen and I just thought you were getting water or something to eat or anything, I just- God, I could have done something and I'm sorry, I just keep failing you every single time and I never seem to be there and-"

"No," Jimin said, hoarse voice loud in the quiet room, fully taking his face out of the pillow and moving to his side, tears lining up on his waterline at the elder's words, "Hyung, no."

"It's true, Jimin, I'm-"

"Stop, Yoongi, just stop," the younger choked out, bringing one of his hands up to hold Yoongi's cheek, but the elder would still not look at him; Jimin could finally see the tears running down his face and disappearing into his hairline now, and he felt his own finally spill once more, "This is on me. All of this, I did it. Don't, for fucks sake, just don't do this. Don't blame yourself for this, please. Yoongi, baby, please don't. Please, this has nothing to do with you; I- I wasn't thinking, I wasn't thinking, please don't do this."

The elder finally looked at him, brown eyes shining with tears and more vulnerable than Jimin had ever seen the rapper allow himself to look. He slowly stroked Yoongi's cheek, moving his hand around his face to wipe the tears that insisted on keep falling from his lover's eyes. It was a scene that Jimin was sure he would never forget; he was losing count of how many times he had made Yoongi cry already. The elder's eyes were red, face bloated and the tip of his nose was red, like he was about to catch a cold, even if Jimin was sure it was from how many times the rapper's had tried to wipe his face clean.

Jimin tilted his head forward, forehead leaning against Yoongi's, refusing to break their eye contact, "This isn't your fault. Please don't do this, please don't."

"You need help, Jiminie," Yoongi whispered, closing his eyes, making even more tears fall from them, "You need help and I've been trying to do this, I've been trying to do this alone, to be what you need but I don't think I can. You need serious help and I can't be the one for that Jimin, and today just proved that."

It wasn't a hard decision as he'd thought it would be, "I'll go back to therapy, I'll fucking sign up for a fucking psychiatric hospital if you want, Yoongi, but please don't you fucking blame yourself for this. I'll get better, I'll be better, I'll do anything, but please just stop. I'm sorry, please stop crying, baby, it hurts me seeing you cry."

"How much do you think it hurts me having to shove my fingers down your throat before you overdose?" the elder's words were sharp but his tone was tired, but it still made Jimin flinch, and Yoongi sigh, bringing his hand up to put it on top of Jimin's one that was still on his cheek, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

Jimin smiled sadly at the elder, "You did," he sniffled, nose getting closed off, "And you'll never have to do that again, you should never even have to and I'm sorry I made this happen. I'll be better now; I'll do better. I'll try harder, Yoongi, I promise."

"I just want you to be ok, Minnie. That's all I want. I'm so tired of seeing you like this, it's scaring me, Jimin. This is scaring me and I don't ever wanna see you like that again, two times is enough. Please don't let a third one happen, I can't go through this again. It hurts so much," the elder sobbed, eyes closed tightly as he pulled Jimin to himself, shoving his face on the younger's chest as Jimin pressed his against the Yoongi's hair, smelling the vanilla shampoo he knew the elder loved, "It hurts so much seeing you like that, Jimin, I can't keep doing this."

"You won't have to," Jimin's words were muffled by the rapper's hair but he was sure Yoongi heard him, "I promise you on all we have you won't have to. This won't happen again."

Jimin hoped, from the bottom of his heart, that he could keep this one.