m.

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i'll set the scene
a bobbing paddle boat on water blinking with sparkles like it was coated in mercury
dirt caked under my nails from before i started biting them and my lips still soft from before i started biting them and sweat drenching both our skin

you laze over the side and your hand swishes in the glitter while you tell me about the sunken island "over there," and my arms feel weak from your sleepy eyes and i cannot measure up to your voice all raspy and warm, to your hair sticking to your back.
you tell me the island had clams or oysters or something like that
and my breathing isn't back to normal yet but we paddle farther anyway
and i pretend we've found atlantis

back on the shore you tell me to be careful by those plants cause there's snakes, and your face is red and shining and you're squinting your eyes all funny at the sun.
a while later you pull out this tiny bike and tell me you're going to teach me how to ride again.  it actually works.
we ride to the abandoned gas station down the road and your laugh makes my insides churn more than the thought of skinning my knees.
we'd gone there once before it closed down and you bought like 10 packs of candy cigarettes.  they tasted awful.

we catch a fish and name it something stupid neither of us remember.  he dies the next day and we have a funeral service, we make a gravestone with some bark and a sharpie (or was it a rock?)
r.i.p

we watch spongebob because i'm not aloud to at home.  and haunted mansion because i'm afraid to.
we pull the couch bed out and you sleep there with me because i don't like to be alone, and when you wrap yourself around me your hair smells like lake water and flowery shampoo.

i think about the ride there as i fall asleep.
i buckled my seatbelt and you told me "that's alright, we don't really use them" • and i unbuckled it because it was different and a little dangerous and you smiled when i did so

we always stopped at the store on the way and your mom would make sure to get food that i liked, which was basically nothing, and liquid motrin for my migraines because i wouldn't take pills.
you said you still have a bottle in the cupboard.
//
the last time i come to the lake we bring another girl
we watch that movie where the house eats children or something, i don't really remember
we tie a wagon to your golf cart and ride in it at top speed • because it's different and a little dangerous and you smile when we do so.
that night we all sleep on the couch bed, you sleep closer to her than to me.

a long time after, freshman pottery class
we haven't talked in so long but it's snowing like h*ll and we have to go outside
you tell our pottery teacher we want to study snowflakes to model our projects after and of course he knows we're full of sh*t
but five minutes later we're carving our names in the white

and some time later we're in the hall
and you look at me the way you did when your hair smelled like lake water and flowery shampoo
and i feel in control
because you know i can practically see your thought process
you want to kiss me, • because it's different and a little dangerous and maybe i'd smile if you did so.

but you don't.  you kiss the air in front of me.  you kiss me just enough to assure yourself, not enough to ruin your rep.

and we've switched.  your knees are weak at my scarring lips and you cannot measure up to my heeled leather boots making me even taller than you, to my hair more flaming red than your cheeks on a summer day long past.

Hey can I be really real for a second/ ask you a kinda dumb question?

Yes one hundred percent

Do you/did you have a girl crush on me?

Oh yeah one hundred percent.
You're fabulous.
But I haven't seen you for months, so I started talking to [boy]
 

**********I F*CKING KNEW IT**********

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