This summer was going to be a hot one, I could already tell. A small bead of sweat traveled from my left temple to my chin as I gathered this year's harvest. I was the last left of my kind and it was my job to keep this legacy going. "Dwight, how do you still have time for this?" I heard a shrill voice from behind me ask coldly. It was Angela. "If you must know, I have a very successful business growing here, and if I ever stop the wolves will take over. You're wasting my daylight!" I responded sternly as I continued to harvest my beets. Angela returned into the house to tend to our son. That's right, we have a son, but somehow I knew I still needed to do this. I would pass down this beautiful place of agrotourism to him.
I heard a car approaching the farm, which was strange since we hadn't had a guest since Jim and Pam stayed here several years ago. "Angela, were you expecting anyone??" I shouted so she could hear me from the house. "Yea! My cousin's best friend's nephew's dog sitter is coming or something. I don't know. I'm tired!!" Angela is not the best person to deal with after being up for 61 hours straight. Little Schrute is a trooper at fighting sleep. He makes me so proud.
The vehicle began approaching faster. I pulled out my megaphone and let out a warm, welcoming "GUTEN TAG". I then realized this was a tour bus. Why would one dog sitter need a tour bus? "Ang-??" "WHAT?! I TOLD YOU TO NEVER CALL ME AN- who's bus??" Three young boys came piling out of the bus looking just as confused as we were. There were two regular ones and one... odd one. He would be the weaker link. It would, however, be nice to have a few extra hands on the farm for a little while. "Guten tag! Welcome to Schrute farms!" I greeted them and extended a hand of friendship, remembering to never break eye contact. "Hi.." they all said together while shaking my hand and taking in my kingdom. "Marvelous, isn't it? What are your names?" "I'm Awsten," the purple one said. "Geoff," said the taller one. He had a nose ring like my old bull, Gertrude. "I'm Otto," said the other regular one. I felt bad for that one. He would survive this time. "Dwight Schrute and this is the woman, Angela," I stated, still not breaking eye contact. "Let's go inside and I'll show you your room." I decided they would all like to room together since they arrived together. That's what friends do. We made our way upstairs and the boys were silent. "Here we are! Make yourselves at home!"
We hadn't been at this farm for more than 10 minutes and I was ready to go. The bus was acting weird so we decided to find the closest place to stay in the middle of fucking nowhere with no cell service. Smart. Thanks, Geoff. The room this guy put us in was the size a closet with one bed. He was going to murder us, I just knew it. It was only one night, though so I figured we could make the best of it.
"Beets presentation in 10 minutes. See you guys there," Dwight said before closing the door behind him.
"Okay what the fuck is a beets presentation and why do we have to go?" Otto protested.
"I don't know, but I honestly don't feel like being murdered today, thanks," I responded, "I think I'm gonna go check things out."
"That's not a good idea. We just need to stay here until we can get help," Geoff said.
"I'm not sitting here with you guys. I've had enough of you for one day," I said as I was walking out anyways.
I immediately heard moans and grunts in the hallway coming from what I believed to be the master bedroom. The door was cracked so I tiptoed across the creaky floor to see what was going on. As I peered through the crack, I saw Dwight sitting on a stool across the room, his back was facing me. He was sweaty and his arms were moving up and down aggressively. He continued to grunt loudly, but then stopped suddenly.
"YOU," he said. I stopped breathing altogether as my heart sank into my stomach. "You're the weird one.." he continued, "you may enter." I slowly opened the door "I-I was just-" I couldn't find the words. His back was still facing me. "It's fine. You're just curious. Come have a look," he said. I walked over to him with no idea of what I was about to see.
"I'm making beet butter," he said now turning towards me revealing the churning pot between his legs, "from real beet milk." He placed my hand on the churning stick and pumped it up and down. "Nice, huh?" he asked. I would never say this out loud, but I was getting turned on. It had been so long since I had touched or been touched. I think it was just the motions or the shape of the stick in my hand. It was so hard. I felt my face get hot.
"I can tell from the way your face looks that blood has now left your head and entered your penis. Don't be embarrassed. I felt that way my first time," Dwight reassured me. "Here, sit down, get the full effect," he said while standing from the stool. I sat down with the stick still in my hand, still churning. Dwight walked behind and placed his arms around me. He whispered in my ear, "How do you feel?" I wasn't sure what to say. I was so turned on. I continued my hands up and down keeping my eyes on the stick. The wood of the stick began getting darker and darker. I didn't remember the wood being red.. then I realized.. it was blood. My blood.
"Gotcha!" Dwight chimed. I removed my hands to reveal tiny razor blades in the blood drenched wood. I panicked and tried to run, but immediately fell to the floor. I couldn't move anything anymore.
"Have you ever even heard of beet butter? It's actually the world's strongest paralytic drug and I may or may not have coated your hand with it during our handshake when you arrived. Now that you have open wounds, the butter has entered your system. You're mine," I heard him say from behind me. What the fuck had I gotten myself into?! He drug my lethargic body onto the bed. I knew that Geoff and Otto would come looking for me soon. Dwight stepped out of the room as soon as he got me on the bed, but escaping wasn't an option since I couldn't move. He came back quickly with an old tv.
"Now. For the moment I've waited for all day!" Shit. He was gonna make me watch some of his past murders or some weird porn. Fuuuuuuck.
After what seemed like a lifetime, the TV finally came on. "The beets presentation!!" He exclaims. For the next 30 minutes my lifeless body would lie in Dwight's bed and be forced to watch "The World of Beets: A Beets Documentary".
Geoff and Otto would never come for me.
I now live as Dwight's mayonnaise boy.