Have a Little Hope

6. Have a Little Goodbye

She parks up in her usual space in the sixth form car park, before coming around to my side of her car and taking my hand. ‘Come on. Peter’s saved us some seats.’

Reluctantly, I follow Belle into school. Mr. Bentley is shocked when he sees me walk into the hall and pulls me aside briefly. ‘I’m glad you’ve come in for this, Hope. How are things?’

I shrug, slightly offended by his question. How does he want me to answer this? That I’m lapping up being an orphan?

‘I’m here. I’m alive,’ I shrug.

He doesn’t go to say anything, so I look at him expectantly. What else does he want me to say? That I’m loving my new lonely life and doing sun dances? He worries me, this man. He’s too old before his time. I still feel like there’s a massive hole in my body ever since a few weeks ago, and there’s no way to describe it. There are no words to make anyone understand. I’m not willing to pour my sorrows out to anyone, let alone Mr. Bentley, the bearer of bad news.

We find our seats, with Peter getting central middle seats in our grand hall. Belle and I awkwardly shuffle down the row of people before sitting down next to him. I sit between the pair, which neither mind. Belle slips her hand in mine and kisses my cheek. ‘I’m glad you’ve come in for this. I want to end year 13 with my best friend and boyfriend beside me.’

I try to give her a hopeful smile, but Peter rubs my arm up and down. ‘We’re here for you, honey.’

Now, I’m not usually an emotional person, well, before my dad, I didn’t really get moved by many things, but whatever the reason, I am so close to crying as all the happy pictures of students appear on the screen. There’s one picture of me and Belle, sitting on the lawn talking which everyone awws at and several pictures of couples smooching, which ensues lots of wolf whistles. A twinge of jealousy hits me at everyone looking so happy and those couples with someone to confide in whatever happens. I know that Peter and Belle are each other’s number one fans; I don’t have that, I don’t even have my dad anymore, but I know desperately would like to have someone who really understood what hell I’m going through.

I leave my thoughts and find Belle is weeping next to me, crying at the thought of leaving. I change seats with her as Peter wraps his arms around his girlfriend, trying to soothe her.  He presses gentle kisses to her temple to try and console her. That boy is pretty damn whipped.  

A few teachers give a speech and our head of year gives a last few passing words, before we’re allowed to walk out of the hall with our leaver’s song playing, ‘Sweet Disposition’ but I slow my pace down, not wanting this to really be the end; when I walk through those black iron gates, that’ll be it until picking up my results.

I’ve never liked it when things end. There are very little positives about things ending, though some would argue they are the start of a fresh beginning. But with that being said, I’d rather I had my dad back and not have to move on and have a ‘new start’. I’d rather he was with me now so I don’t have to face the big bad world on my own. It’s just not fair. It’s not fair at all.

‘You want to come and grab a drink with us?’ Peter asks as we exit the school for the final time.

I brush my eyes, hoping my tears halt before looking at the pair of them and shaking my head. ‘No, no, I just want to go home.’

Belle nods, before standing on her tip toes and kissing Peter on the lips. ‘I’ll catch you later at the pub.’ She takes my hand and we walk back to her car hand in hand so she can drive me back to my grandparents. I look at my pretty blonde friend and notice she’s practically walking on sunshine, while I’m treading on black stormy thunder clouds.