Kai.

The Walls

So when did I start putting up the walls around myself?

Because they became pretty damn thick.

I can't remember exactly. Probably sometime around when I entered middle school. I had two best friends then, or what I classed them as anyways. I was put in a class with one of them, but the other was sent to a different class. In fact, I was actually put with the crazy, bossy one; but that isn't really relevant to much. See, these friends were friends of mine for a long time. There was me, shy, quiet, the bookworm, one whom I will call... Ally for now. She was crazy. Absolutely wacky, constantly hyper, and always found it easy to make new friends. More on that later though. Then there was Laura, I'll call her. She was kind of a mix between the two of me and Ally. She was quiet, but not really that shy. She would go along with anything Ally said, and would memorise random facts from an early age.

I was put with Ally. But the thing is, we had barely been at school a month before she completely ditched me and Laura. She went off with a group of people who, we found out later, were bitches. Laura then vanished, going off the the 'almost popular' group. They were pretty obsessed with all the girly, mainstream things; including looks. That was when I started building walls, after seeing how my two 'best friends' abandoned me without a second thought. I found myself a new group, who consisted of a slightly weird girl, independent and very individual, and a girl who pretty much tagged along with her, along with a few others that came and went.

See, there's actually a similarity here.

After a bit, I found out Ally had been bitching about me to Laura, and she bitched about Laura when she was with me. In short, the average two faced middle schooler. Yep, then my walls got pretty dented. But they started growing back, faster than before. I learnt how to conceal my emotions completely before my second year in middle school.

Anyway, in the second year Ally, Laura and I made up. We each had our groups, but we would occasionally go and congregate. By the end of the second year, I found out crazy, independent girl in my new group Ellie was a bitch. Like, seriously. Anything that moved would be free game to her. By now, little said could harm me, and I was faking emotions all the time.

End of the year, and it turns out Ellie and Ally had a massive fallout. Everyone in our year took sides, ect. Ellie's sheep/follower friend actually supported Ally, much to my surprise.

But by the start of the third year, the follower friend had gone back to Ellie, Ally had moved schools. Laura left me pretty much alone.

Ellie turned out to be a bit turbulent and possessive. One minute, she was laughing, the next we wouldn't be able to see anyone else. It was "her" group. By the end of my third year in middle school, I got pretty fed up with the bullshit. I grew a confidence I had lacked, speaking out when people pissed me off.

By Year Eight, the last year of middle school, things had changed. Ally had become a bit rebellious in her new school, making a few friends there, generally getting in trouble with the teachers for sarky comments. Laura's self esteem dropped to a low, and she wore more makeup than ever, though it was natural makeup; hard to notice if you didn't know it was there. I became confident enough not to put up with the bullshit thrown at me left right and centre, with walls that completely stopped anyone from hurting me with snide comments, though they eventually wore down every once in a while.

It was in this period of age eleven onward I became depressed. Sometimes it was better, sometimes it was worse. I reached high school, hoping against hope that I wasn't in a form class with anyone I was friends with in middle school. I wanted a fresh start. In fact, I got it. I made up with both Laura and Ally, and became closer than ever. I now know that what broke us apart wasn't entirely their fault; it was my own insecurities which exacerbated the split, and then my stubbornness which made it so hard to go back to how we were. Laura was split even further apart from me and Ally, as Ally had moved back in to the same high school. Ally matured, and became more laid back - she also experiences depression, and has had to put up with more shit in her life than she deserves. She became less of a social butterfly, but started making a few close friends apart from us, and I was fine with it. With the confidence I had finally established, I made new friends and talked to new people, made new friends. I ended up in a group of around seven people, and I felt great.

A year later, I split from these people with both Ally, Laura and a third friend called Em. These three were the only ones who didn't bitch about other people behind their backs, and who didn't create drama just to keep themselves entertained. Needless to say, the break we made in our friendship group didn't go well. I ended up sending a text to them which ended in them becoming very upset; not surprising, since I laid bare all my feelings instead of saying it to other people when their backs were turned.

And by now, I'm only hurt whatsoever by those seriously close to me. Pretty much all my emotions get bottled up inside, though occasionally I let them flow. Pretty much all my emotions aren't what they seem.

Except when I'm on here, with some of the closest friends I have had. And except for when I have so much pent up anger and hatred that I let a little slip. But apart from then, my walls keep everything separated. Me in, others out.