I'm Sorry for Myself

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Note: Haha, surprise! I'm BACK! :) Song that inspired this is above btw! ;)

I put my mug down on the coffee table, steam wafting up from it and swirling around in the air above me. It was such a cold day today - that's why I was sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket. Thor: Ragnarok played on the TV in the background but I couldn't even pay attention to that. And not because it wasn't as good as the first two but because of the thoughts muddling my brain. Of Jack...always of Jack. A sigh blew out from between my lips as I pulled the blanket tighter around me.

We still hadn't found him. Dean and Sam had been looking everywhere but... the nephilim was just...gone. We hadn't known him long but he'd become a good friend over these past few months. And...almost something more than that. I couldn't quite describe it. It was new and it was different...he was different.

In the best way. But now I was alone - here in this hotel room, waiting on the boys to come back from another case. Before it would have been just me and Jack but...this loneliness - this emptiness and the sense that something was missing - was eating at me. I sighed again as I got up, waddling over to the window with the blanket still cocooned around me as I gazed out the smudged glass-window into the parking lot outside. Dean wouldn't even admit that it was his fault Jack had left. But it was.

Sam and I both knew that. But still, Dean wouldn't budge. I was sorry for the way things are around here now. Sorry for Jack and how he'd felt left out - pushed away. He didn't deserve that kind of sadness in his young life. I was sorry too that he was now out on his own in this world - with no clue how to survive.

But more than anything else...I was sorry for myself. Tears filled my eyes at the omission of my thoughts, sucking in a shaky breath. I still can't believe he went away like that...no goodbye, no see you later, just...gone. I squeezed my eyes shut then, placing a hand on the cool glass to steady myself and my thoughts. It was so lonely here without him. I even still expected to hear from him almost anytime of the day or night.

He'd become such a fixture - no, such a constant - in my life that it was hard to imagine not seeing him everyday. I knew Sam was becoming worried about me but he said nothing. I preferred it that way honestly. To just be left alone - in my shell. Suddenly, there was a knock on the hotel door and my eyes snapped to the sound. Sniffling, I wiped my tears on the back of my sleeve as I made my way over to the door.

I was supposed to look through the peephole but I guess I was so distracted by my thoughts that I'd forgotten to. But when the door swung open to reveal the figure huddled in the doorway...all the air left my lungs. I was barely able to breathe, let alone speak as familiar deep blue eyes gazed back into mine. He pushed a strand of dirty blonde hair out of his face and finally, a strangled cry managed to escape my mouth.

Wordlessly, I pulled him into the small hotel room and into my arms, wrapping my own around him tightly. We stayed like that for a moment before he hugged me back, his warm breath fanning my neck as he held onto me.

"I can't believe you went away," I whispered into his tan jacket, digging my fingers into the material as if to convince myself he was real.

He said nothing and I could practically feel the guilt radiate off of him as I pulled back to look up into his face.

"I'm sorry if I took some things for granted...you for granted," I said, ending in a whisper before continuing as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "But more than anything...I'm sorry for myself...for living without you..."

Slowly, the confused expression melted and he pulled me back into his chest, burying his face in the crook of my neck. I could feel him smile against my skin as held me so tight in his arms.

"I'm sorry for leaving...I won't ever leave you again. I promise."

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