Chapter 17 ~ 21st of September 2008

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Okay, so in all seriousness.. I'm so NOT ready to make my dreams come true. I've been watching Demi for a while now, in the non-creepy way, and I figured out that it's hard and tough to put yourself out there and just do 'it', you know?

I'm not ready for all the pressure that comes with being famous or however I'm supposed to call it. It's just this thing in me that says it's not meant for me. And honestly, I agree with that 'thing'. Besides that, all the people out there, Demi for instance, are so good and know so damn well what they're doing. It's like they got born to be famous.

I know, I know. Ofcourse it's not all about being famous. It's mainly about doing what you love to do every single day. Right? But I mean.. I don't have any experience either. I can't act, and I'm 100% sure about that. Also, I don't think I can sing. I just... I don't know. It's hard. I've been doubting to make my dreams come true for a long time now. Demi kinda motivated me to actually do it, but now that she's busy with her own things, my doubts are back.

While writing all of the above, my mom came inside. She sat down next to me. As soon as I noticed she was looking in my notebook, I closed it. "Am I not allowed to read it?" My mom asked. I looked at the ground and slowly shook my head. "Why?" My mom asked. "It's private." I said. My mom looked at the door and sighed. "I thought we promised to not have like.. Secrets for eachother anymore?" She said. A moment of silence followed. "It's not necessarily a secret, mom. I just share things in this notebook nobody besides me needs to know. You wouldn't even care if you'd read it, honestly." I said. "So it's like a diary?" My mom asked while looking at me. I sighed. "Yup.. Go ahead, call me childish because I'm sixteen and still have a diary." I said. My mom started laughing. "You're not childish if you have a diary. In fact, it's a really good way to express feelings. It makes you feel at least a little better after writing down your thoughts and feelings, isn't that true?" She asked. Surprised I looked at her. Did she just agree with me? Did she actually understand me for once? "Uhm.. Yeah. Yeah, that's true." I said a little confused. My mom laid her hand on my leg and then walked out of my room again.

That was weird.

I stood up, put my notebook in my drawer and walked out of my room. I walked downstairs to find my mom laying on the couch while watching TV. "Mom?" I asked. My mom mumbled something. "What were your dreams when you were younger?" I asked. My mom stood up and walked into the kitchen. She came back with two glasses of water and invited me to sit down next to her. "What did you ask again?" She asked. I took a sip from my water. "I asked what your dreams were when you were younger." I said. "I mostly had nightmares, but..-" My mom said. I laughed. "No, mom. I mean, was there like a special job you were desperate for? Or a career you wanted to start so badly?" I said. My mom also took a sip from her water. I saw her thinking about the answer to this question. "I don't think I necessarily wanted to be or start something. I was happy with where I was." She said eventually. I nodded. "And when I got your brother, and two years later you, I only wanted to be one thing. A good mom." My mom said. I looked at her. She smiled. A moment of silence followed. "What about dad?" I asked. I looked at my mom. I could see she found it hard that I talked about dad. "Your dad was.." She started. I sighed. "You know, mom. You don't have to answer this.." I said. "Weeks before he.. Died.. He told me the only thing he ever wanted to be was with me and you and your brother. He wanted this family to be a happy family full of love, and life.." My mom said while staring at the ground. I felt tears coming up. Minutes of silence followed. It was kinda sad and awkward at the same time. "I- uhmm.. I just realized I still need to make homework.." I said to break the silence. I stood up, grabbed my glass with water from the table and walked upstairs. When I stood on the stairs I looked at my mom. She looked really sad. Disappointed I walked further.

My dad.. I never mentioned him before, did I?

My dad was 39 when he died in an accident on the road. It was kinda his own fault. You know, sometimes my dad was stressed. Because of his work, or the mountains of pressure he had to deal with. He once told me he never had been able to cope with stress, and that it started at a young age. In his last years, everytime he was stressed, he decided to drink the stress away. I don't mean water, you know damn well what I'm talking about. Now you're probably wondering 'What exactly happened?' Well, then here's the story.

It was late in the evening when I heard someone screaming downstairs. I went out of bed and sneaked down the stairs. I saw my dad who angrily threw his phone through the room. I remember saying 'Dad.. What are you going to do?' while he grabbed his raincoat from the stairs. Startled he looked at me. 'W-why aren't you asleep?' He asked. 'I couldn't sleep..' I said. My dad laid down his raincoat and picked me up from the stairs. He stared in my eyes. 'I'll be fine. Now go to sleep, sweetheart.' He said. He put me on the stairs again, grabbed his raincoat and a hat and walked out of the door. When I woke up the next morning, I found my mom sitting on the ground against the wall. I walked up to her and stared at her. 'Mom, what are you doing?' I asked. She looked at me with red eyes. I assumed she had been crying. She smiled through her tears, wiped them away and gave me a hug. 'I'm fine, sweetie.' She said. A little confused I sat down on the couch. It was surprisingly silent in our house. 'Mom, where's dad?' I asked. My mom turned around and looked at me with a sad face. 'Your dad is.. Uhm.. He'll be home soon..' She said. After she said that, I wasn't confused anymore. I just thought my mom told me the thruth and that my dad would come home within a few days.

Until weeks later my dad still wasn't home...

I walked up to my mom. 'Where is dad? It's been weeks!' I screamed full of anger. My mom broke down in tears and hugged me tight. 'He is in a good place now, sweetie.' She said. I ripped myself out of my mom's hands. 'What do you mean?! Where is he?' I screamed. My mom sat down and stared at the ground. For a moment it was silent again. Then my brother came downstairs. 'Mom?' He asked while looking at my mom - who was in tears again. He walked up to her and sat down next to her. 'Guys.. I need to tell you something..' My mom said. She wiped away her tears and looked from me to my brother. 'He died.' She said. It was like my whole world basically faded away in a big, dark, deep black hole. I knew nothing would be the same anymore without my dad..

I was seven at that time. Seven. And now I'm sixteen and.. I still miss my dad. He had the heart of an angel, but he just didn't know how to handle stress. It was hard living with him sometimes, because he used to drink outside of the house, but later he did it inside too.

Okay enough about my dad.

When I laid down my notebook, I got a message. A smile appeared on my face when I saw from who it was. It was from Demi.

Heyyy!! I'm back from tour! I'm exhausted, but my mom decided to invite you to come over. Would you like to come? Selena's here too :)

I immediately stood up and changed clothes. I ran downstairs and happily gave my mom a hug. "Why are you so happy?" My mom asked while laughing. "Demi's back from her tour!" I said. I ran inside the kitchen, took an apple, gave my mom a kiss and put on my shoes. "What time will you be home again?" My mom asked. "I don't know, I'll send a message! Bye!" I said and I ran outside.

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