Rants

After a While

It kind of hurts. When everything just stops and nothing is going on to keep me busy.. it hurts. Why is it that no matter how hard I try to be fine, I have these moments when I'm not busy and I bust out crying? Why is it that no matter how hard I try- I'm alone?

Fuck. I never thought I would, but I miss them. Ethan and his memes. Cameron and his stupid chivalry. I don't know about Jasmyn, however.

Jasmyn and I had our moments, but she was never a true friend. -but neither was I, huh?

I wasn't a very good friend to any of them. I always pushed and gripped about everything. I'm an attention whore in my own manner.

Cameron; for many years I took you as an annoyance, but really you were only trying to understand me. I've hurt you many times in the years we've known each other and I'm really sorry for that.

Ethan; through our group chats. I showed a different, more in kept side of me that shouldn't have existed. It was only anger and the want to be accepted that I was like that and I realize my mistake now. I hurt you too and I'm so sorry.

Jasmyn; you've hurt me just as much as I've hurt you, perhaps even more. How DARE you save your own ass and throw me under a bus for your mistakes? I'm still pretty fucking pissed at you and I'm so betrayed and hurt.

I realize that I'm a terrible person, yes, I can't help it. I can't help the shit I'm going through and the fucking mental illness in my head. None of you realize how much I'm going through and you probably think I'm over exaggerating. Believe what you believe, but it hurts.

It hurts to be alone, but I've done this to myself. I told everyone that I'd be alone, didn't I?