7th March 2018 All Rights Reserved.
Was I selfish?
It was so cold as I stood there on the bare beach on my own with just the frigid wind to keep me company as I looked out across the waves out to the darkening horizon in front of me.
I had wrapped my arms around myself, pulling the large thick woollen shawl I had brought with me around my shoulders to keep some kind of warmth within me to help remind me that I am alive.
I didn't die. I made it through the pain that was constantly there each time I opened my eyes to see another day I did not want to face. Not like this and not alone like I was.
Is that selfish of me to think that? I have no idea.
This was not how it was meant to be. I wanted to have my happily ever after like everyone else does. But it was not meant to be. Not for me.
I had lost everything and everyone that ever meant anything to me. Was it my fault? I really do not know. He said it was.
He said I was suffocating him, choking the life out of him and pressuring him and had been doing that ever since we met when we were seven years old. I thought he was my friend. I really did. We had been friends for over ten years until that last time.
I guess I was wrong.
But what he said made me think of all the times I did things with him or where we went or what we did. Was I being selfish? He said I was and that I was ruling his life. He had said he had enough.
So, I looked back at everything we did. I thought of all the places we went to together and with our friends. I thought of all the gifts I gave him that he smiled over and said thank you to. Was it all a lie?
I can't think of anything now except that I was questioning myself with every decision I made with him from the clothes he wore, the food he ate the places he went to with me.
Was I selfish? Was I domineering in choosing that shirt for him in that colour I thought he would look good in? Not just because it was his favourite colour. But it was a style that suited him well and I told him that.
The food he ate was also an issue he said. The only food I stopped him from eating was any kind of food that had eggs or nuts in them. He was allergic to them and anything with those as part of the ingredients was a no-no for him. I thought I was just looking out for him by choosing what we would eat when we were out.
But he said I was choking him all the time with doing things he could choose for himself.
I never realised just how much of an influence I had been in his life until he blew up at me. He was my friend and I was only looking out for him and making sure he didn't get hurt in any way. But he wanted to choose for himself.
Looking down at my hand that was clenched in a fist, I slowly loosened the shawl around me and opened my fist to see the tiny panda bear I had with me. The last thing of his that he gave back to me.
I can still remember when I found it and gave it to him. He loves panda bears. he always did. So, when I found this little figure of a panda in a dollar store, I begged my Mumma if she could get it for me.
I was so excited when we got home and I was off running down the street to his house to give him the little gift I found.
Seeing his eyes light up and the big smile on his face was worth it. I liked making him happy. Maybe that was why I did so many things for him. When he was happy, I was happy with him.
I didn't realise when it was that I wanted him to be more than just a friend. I could see myself waking up to see his smiling face every day of my life. He was the reason I got up every single day.
Especially after my parents were killed and I had to move in with my aunt and uncle. Life was a little bit more difficult living with them. Not because of who they were. But because of their niece who came to live with them when she was little. She was the daughter of one of their friends and when they too had died, Sherrie had come to live with Aunty Pat and Uncle Bob.
She was a year younger than me and we got on well for the most. Or at least we did until I moved in with them.
But I was grieving for my parents and it was hard living without them. That happened when I was twelve. From that time on, Sherrie would always be finding her way into our group of friends. I never knew until it was too late that she had been slyly whispering thoughts into his ears about me and what I was supposedly doing.
It didn't start out with something bluntly said. It was a quiet whisper at the start.
" Do you really like that colour? Does she always choose for you?" Was what started it I was told.
But it left a lot of doubts about me that I questioned. Was I really the bossy person he said I was? Was I the selfish person that he said I was?
Every decision I made after that brought me nothing but anxiety. Did I make the right choice? Am I doing the right thing? These were just some of the things I asked myself once I started down a dark path that lead me to where I was presently standing.
I didn't know who I was for the longest time because of what happened them. And, I didn't like it either.
YOU ARE READING
A Change In LifeChickLit
(Authors Note: This description could and may very well change) I had lost everything and everyone that ever meant anything to me. Was it my fault? I really do not know. He said it was. He said I was suffocating him, choking the life out of him and...