Love Is Blind [boyxboy love story]

Chapter Fifteen: Chronophobia - Fear of Time

This is a boyxboy love story as in homosexual yummy boy on boy lovey-dovey mush.  so warned yeah.  Clean chapter.

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Chapter Fifteen: Chronophobia- Fear of Time

♪ Adam’s POV ♥

The memories I’ve been replaying every time I sleep are difficult to cope with.  Though I don’t dare tell Oz or Adrian these are the things I want to write.  Though Oz is constantly annoying, he somehow got on my good side.  But then there was Adrian, who I can’t seem to grip on either side.  He was a hazy figure in my life, but that was because every time he came over to watch over me he was just a stand there and do as what was told kind of person.

            God knows how much I try to stay up each night, barely sleeping two hours every night and the rest of the time I’m just laying there.  I’m ashamed of myself.  I hated myself.  Sometimes I looked back and think of the first guy I’ve ever kissed.  A well-built boy well liked among high school, attractive beyond belief, and a very good liar.  I’ve never met someone more like James Bond in my life.  His name was Evan.

            I’ve heard about him sometimes, I heard he’s working minimum wage at a store in a small town near Phoenix.  They say he has a boyfriend now, a steady guy whom is reasonably good-looking and smokes way too much weed to ever be clear headed.  Evan was not exactly cruel, just unreasonable and didn’t think things through too much.  He found that lying was an easy way out of everything.

            I wrote him an email some years back, mainly questions about his life and how he was doing.  I told him I was now living in New York and living in a shabby apartment but living nonetheless.  But his reply got me.  It was five paragraphs of guilt, sadness, anger, and just plain sorry.  He couldn’t stop saying – well writing – I didn’t know they’d do that and I just didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t care.  I’ve gotten worse beatings from life than what our foster parents did.  And that’s the last thing I ever wrote to him:  It’s okay.  That’s I wrote and pressed send.  He tried to write back but I never bothered to reply.  Soon, he went back to his life and I went back to mine.  It felt good.  To feel his guilt, to finally get a sorry.

            I still dreamt of the feverish kissing behind the school yard, the one time we actually had sex.  It wasn’t love, it was just pure curiosity.  There were a line of one night stands after him and there were several boyfriends in community college.  But I wasn’t the one to graduate, I was the guy who worked in the café outside the science department.

            Not all of them were assholes, some were actually reasonably good-looking and had ambitions that was worth something.  But I was never part of the plan, and I told myself they weren’t a part of mine.  After some guys, my manager found me sucking dick in his office so I was fired.  Yeah, it sounded slutty but in reality I was the one who liked excitement and that was fucking exciting… and funny.  His face was so red… We’re going off track, aren’t we?

            About three months looking for jobs, I found a reasonable boyfriend.  His name was Derik and he just graduated from a good college in California.  He came to New York for a good promotion in publishing.  I found him in a subway and he was pissed about his car not working or some shit.  He was lucky to have a car in a city like this, jeez.

            At first it was a complete argument that got us talking but the next came a new friend.  Then the touching, then the kissing, and then the sex.  Of course, I didn’t know that soon as he found new friends, he’d change so quickly.  The sex soon became a job than a giving, I didn’t want to be in his arms.  I thought of breaking up many times but then he’d beg me not to leave and I didn’t.  Then came Elliot, he thought it’d be funny to mess with Derik.