FOOLS

02 : denial.

i tried to change. closed my mouth more. tried to be soft. prettier. less. . . awake. fasted for sixty days, wore white. abstained from mirrors. abstained from sex. slowly did not speak another word. in that time, my hair grew past my ankles. i slept on a mat on the floor. i levitated into the basement...

confessed my sins and was baptized in a river. got on my knees and said "amen," and said "i mean." i whipped my own back and asked for dominion at your feet. i threw myself into a volcano. i drank the blood and drank the wine, i sat alone and begged and bent at the waist of of god.

i crossed myself in thought. i saw the devil. i grew thickened skin on my feet. i bathed in bleach and plugged my menses with pages of the holy book, but still inside me coiled deep was the need to know,

are you cheating on me?

/

THE RESTAURANT was busier than ever before it seemed. people entered and left it's revolving doors, people ordered and ate with a pace along with their lives. they smiled. they laughed. their faces contorted into pleasure with every first bite. some studied, some held brief meetings, others came simply for a cold glass of water. life was in its prime, moving along with whoever it held.

why was it moving so slowly for rosalie? if anything, she believed that she should be happy. this little restaurant had insurmountable history with rosalie, she built it up when she came here with her father from the soil in the ground. she struggled and wept, she made this restaurant - herself - successful all on her own. she even had two more - one in seoul and another in gangnam. she was well off, and the revenue was great.

but alas, a frown was still apparent on her face, even after tending to her regular customers. but she'd apologize for being in such a prickly mood later. with everything going on with jimin, she had no choice but to be thankful for such a distraction. her employees couldn't deny their boss was on their grind harder than they've ever seen, but it's what kept the customers happy, so no one complained.

but she had a friend inside of her restaurant, a very good one at that too. juno jones, an american who ended up in korea with her parents, but they gave her no resources to start fresh. rosalie gave her a well paying job, and they've been close ever since.

she interrupted rosalie's scrubbing on an already clean counter with a tap on her shoulder and a glass of water, "take a break. god knows you need it."

she did. but she didn't want to. if she could, she would choose to stay in her restaurant all day, and just keep cooking until her fingers grew numb. it was the only thing keeping her sane in the mess she was in with jimin. she takes the cold glass out of juno's hand with a weak smile.

"thanks." the coolness of the glass calmed her shaking hands.

juno's eyes wander into her own, asking questions she doesn't even need to voice out loud. rosalie had already told her of what she's found. what she's heard whispered at 3 am. what she knows. so technically, there isn't a question to be asked, but the curiosity never yielded either.

so she continues working. it really wasn't any of her business anyway, and she's already given rosalie her advice - knock that man's head in, sis!

/

rosalie wished she was dreaming. she wished she was in an alternate universe of some sort, the universe where her unfaithful husband roamed the earth, sleeping with the woman with dark, raven hair, and lips of the deepest crimson. she had to convince herself that the images she viewed - right outside her restaurant - were some sort of mirage, an image that held no real significance or meaning; an image that didn't exist.

she almost regurgitates. she almost falls over in agony, because, damn. had she ever seen such a smile grace his face? ever hear such a laugh emit from his lungs? had she ever been caressed in such a way, touched in such an endearing manner?

words stream her brain, questioning herself as her fingers stain the glass windows she just cleaned, she's standing so close to them she can see her breath condense. breathe, rosie.

breathe.

the curses that leave her mouth as the first heartbreaking tear falls would've drawn satan himself to a frown. would've brung the strongest rain ever seen, drowning all her woes within it. she almost wishes it did.

jimin's car door falls shut, the woman falling inside shortly after. how rosalie hoped they were happy at this moment, she wished they could absorb all the happiness they possibly could before she came and stripped it away with a few words.

a short promise is made to herself as she retreats from her workspace and grabs her coat; he'd know exactly what he was losing. rosalie would make sure of it.

he'd know of his mistakes until his last breath.

when she arrived home, the first thing she did after changing into her workout clothing was bag up his belongings and place them outside their bedroom door. she had to use all the restraint she could ever obtain not to douse it in kerosene and set it to flames. it took every working atom within her.

she forces herself to use her head instead of her aching heart. her hands run across her wooden dresser with dark fingers, wondering: where did i go wrong?

did she not give him everything he could've asked for? was she not enough? was haeran not enough for him? she couldn't be anything but grateful that the toddler was in daycare until two, she wouldn't be able to look in her large brown eyes without bursting into tears.

the wine in her hands sooth her, as she remembers all the clues she had just chosen to ignore. all the perfumes she never bought, all the hickeys she never gave him. all the lipstick shades she never wore.

what did she possess, that rosalie didn't?

was it the raven hair, the porcelain skin? was he tired of the stares he obtained, whenever the two of them went out in public together? the stares that followed their daughter like a shadow?

was she his safety blanket, perhaps? the one he could appear with, with no question? to be the norm once more?

rosalie wished she knew, wished she had the slightest idea why.

how could he be so wicked to the one who's loved him the most?

--

a / n: next chapter ... full of angst :)))