36) 'Attacking Someone With Personal Issues' And Other Moments That Seem...

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36) 'Attacking Someone With Personal Issues' And Other Moments That Seem Highly Improbable When You Don't Even Know Each Other But Somehow Still Happen

Third time's the charm.

Other people were preoccupied with Christmas and the finals and SATs or whatever, and then there was the squad. They weren't stalking this time, if that helped—not at the same time. It would be too suspicious. Heston and Martin were the better spies.

They were waiting for the perfect moment. Pi would be in the hallway and Theo would be in the hallway and the squad would be in the other hallway, around the corner, and everything would fall into place. They'd come running like the glorious heroes they were and save Pi from his untimely demise.

Unsurprisingly, it was Martin that found Pi in the compromised position they'd been hoping for. As promised, he sent the rest of the squad a message to tell them where it was happening, and Messiah responded only to complain about Martin using the codenames that they'd agreed not to use.

A minute later, they were all there, wringing their hands like evil masterminds.

"Let's do this."


"Good luck, Benjamin."

"No!" he squeaked, before anyone could push him in again.

Messiah immediately covered his mouth to stop him from making noises and said, "No, we can't let Benjamin do anything, because frankly, he's shit at it. It won't work if he just calls everybody a gay shit, especially if Theo's the one who came up with that."

"I'll go."

Before they could stop him, Martin was already on his way, walking up to Theo and Pi with a stride that he'd probably call (and looked anything but) confident and masculine. It looked like he had a stick up his butt.

"Oh, jeez," Heston sighed.

But Messiah shrugged. "Let's just see how it goes. We'll be his... posse."

"I don't want to be seen with that," Heston said.

Benjamin couldn't help but agree.

By then, though, it was too late. Abandon all hope.The bully was bullying, the victim was getting victimized and the idiot was doing idiot things. "Stop right there!" Martin screeched.

Meanwhile, the squad watched, safely, from their corner. "He couldn't have used a more cliché phrase, could he," Messiah mumbled.

Theo stopped.

Pi stopped.

"You pathetic waste of space," Martin spat. "Do you feel good picking on innocent, helpless, little boys? You're just a loser with daddy issues that can't even get his dick up when he fondles girls' boobies."

Oh, crap.

Theo froze. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. You go around calling people gay shits when you're probably more into dick than any of us."


"And have you ever looked in a mirror? You look like you haven't been to a hair salon in years. More importantly, people stopped wearing their pants like that about sixteen centuries ago."

"Um, Martin," Pi started. "Maybe—"

"Is that all?" Theo asked.

"Oh, no, I am far from finished. I saw your math grades. I know you're failing. I suppose we won't be seeing you anymore next year."

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