Chapter 18: With Thoughts of Suicide

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-Alesana's POV-

I woke up with a start. I had had a nightmare right before I woke up and I was soaked in tears and sweat. I could barely breathe.

"MATT!" I shrieked. I feel like such a burden to him... "Alesana?! Are you okay?! What's wrong?!" Matt asked in a rush when he entered my room. I shook my head and curled up into a ball. I heard Matt walk over to me and sit on my bed, then he wrapped his arms around me. "What happened?" He asked. I stayed in my ball and just cried into my knees. "Baby sis, look up at me and tell me what's wrong..." Matt whispered. I looked up at Matt and more and more hot tears streamed down my face.

"I...I had a w...was so real....M...Matt...." I said between breaths. I put my arms over my face and placed myself back into a fetal position. "Alesana, calm down...take deep breaths..." I tried. I couldn't focus on his voice. I couldn't focus on anything...

"Alesana, I'll be back, I'm gonna go grab my phone.." He told me. I simply nodded and continued to cry.

A few moments later, Matt came back and he was on the phone with someone. "Here, it's Oli." Matt said. I took the phone and hid my face back into one of my arms then put the phone to my ear. "H...hi...Oliver..." I whispered. "Morning, Ala...." He whispered in return. " sound...t...tired...." I said. " kinda is 4 in the morning here..." He responded with a light chuckle. "I...I'm sorry..." I said as more tears flowed down my face. "Ala, don't be sorry. If you need me, I'm here. I always will be. Sometimes I'll be just a phone call away and sometimes I'll be right beside you. Whenever you need me, talk to me." Oliver said, there was a small smile audible in his voice. "Now, what's wrong, love?" Oliver asked. "I...I had a n...nightmare...that was so...real..." And then here we go with my breathing kicking up and more tears. I was practically sobbing at this point.

"Ala, it wasn't real. Listen, I need you to just breathe. I love you, breathe my love." Oliver told me. I began focusing on his voice as I tried to help my breathing. "Getting better." Oliver said. Soon, I was breathing regularly. "Yay! You're calm!" He said excitedly. I let out a small laugh and smiled a bit. "I love you, Oliver." I whispered. "I love you too, Alesana."

"I'm gonna let you sleep now....I'll talk to you later...have a nice rest.." "I will, love." He chuckled and then I ended the call. I came out of my ball and wiped any stray tears with my sleeve.

Matt looked at my face and his eyes went wide. "Alesana...why is your forehead red, and not because you were laying on your arm, but it looks blood red..." He asked. I looked at him confused then looked at my arm. My once gray sleeve was now stained with red. "Shit..." I whispered.

"Shit shit shit!" I said repeatedly. I hopped off of my bed and Matt caught my wrist causing me to hiss in pain. "Alesana, did you?" Matt asked. I looked down at the floor and hid my face with my hair. Matt took my full arm and rolled up the sleeve. "Alesana.." Matt breathed. Tears began to form in my eyes again. "Yeah?" I asked. "Anywhere else?" He asked. I nodded slowly and rolled up my other sleeve and my pajama pants to show Matt the damage that I had done. "Alesana..." Matt whispered. I was crying again and I was once again, ashamed of myself. "I can't get better, Matt...I never will get better..." I whispered, collasping to the floor. Matt sat on the floor beside me and wrapped his arms around me. "You can get better if you allow yourself to get better. You can't just give up right in the middle of your process. You were doing so well, Alesana. We all need and want you to get better. Please Alesana, don't give up..."

"Matt..I feel like I have to. I want to..I've had so many thoughts of suicide. It's crazy. On the outside, I look like I'm getting better, but when I'm alone I can't deal with anything. When I'm with you guys, I'm perfectly fine, because you guys cause me actual happiness, especially Oliver, but when I'm alone I feel...abandoned, sick, horrified, because with every moment alone, I feel like he's going to come back to haunt me...." I whispered as a sob wracked through my body. "Alesana, you can always come on tour with us, you know that you're always welcome if we give a brief explanation. Our tour manager loves you and you know it. Just come on tour with'll be fun..." Matt pleaded. " I said, it's to much...." I cried. "Stay with mum. Please, I don't want you to be alone." Matt's voice was about to break.

"Matt..." I whispered. "Please, Alesana, I don't want to lose my little sister.." I felt a tear hit the top of my head and I instantly regretted everything. "I'm just a burden..." I whispered. "Alesana Marie Nicholls, you are not a burden, you mean everything to every single one of us. Please don't hurt yourself ever again." Matt was sobbing harder than I was.

"I'm sorry Matt..." I mumbled. "Don't be sorry.." He whispered. "When do you have to leave?" I asked. "I leave tomorrow, I'll be gone around 4. Not in the morning though." He responded, wiping his eyes. "Oh..wanna watch movies?" I asked as Jax came prancing into my room. "Sure."

"Ima change first..." I said quietly. "Can I wrap up your arms just in case the open up again?" Matt asked. I looked at him and sighed. "Sure..." Matt stood up and helped me up also.

"Come to the bathroom."

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