Stability, dependency and a long-term relationship is what we share.
Morning and night, you are there for me, no matter how bad my day has been.
Holidays, hen do's, girly nights out; you never hold me back.
Very few occasions we have missed each other, and when we do I regret it sincerely.
Under the professors order we are to reduce our time together and you have already made your thoughts on this clear.
On Thursday I reduced by 2mg and you hit back with twisted nightmares, rousing me at 06:00 when you knew I needed 8hours before work. Friday morning came and as I tried to commute to work the control I have had for so long began to fall away. My barriers crashing down so fast I did not know what to catch first.
"Are you okay to go to work?"
"Have you felt like this and been okay before?"
"Should I turn the car around? Is this better? Normally if I'm ill and I head home I feel better."
The latter reassurance was trapped in a bubble, I saw his lips move but initially heard nothing and; then the words followed. Is this possible?
I struggled to answer as words would not hold in the order I tried to place them, others remained absent from my vocabulary. Where the hell do they go?
2mg! This is revenge!
The bed that is my true safe space is currently cradling my fragility. Afraid to walk the three paces to close the blinds that are letting in too much light. Unable to feed my cats as I cannot slip away from the safety of my sheets.
I call work to inform them of seizure activity and I sleep for twelve hours.
I must not give into you so we try this dance again. The return of nightmares and broken sleep but this time you choose 04:00?
Vision and stamina are my demons today as I make it down the stairs but I cannot focus, for if I turn my head I have no steam to put thoughts into action.
We will do this.
For now, I will rest again as whilst I write this sentence my top lids are heavy at 2.10pm.
I was present last night; a member of the family and I filled the corner chair in order to get comfortable.
Entertainment was seemingly deafening at stages and at times I lost desire to see listings through to completion. My determination paid off as you allowed me to dream vividly until the dog barked at the growling cat on the staircase, they alternate the role of protagonist. 06:00 it read on my phone and relief spread across my face without encouragement.
Since my new understanding with the red tablet, as the professor refers to it on his chart; concentration, coordination, and stamina have been eluding me. Today I have regained elements of each as I meandered through the town with a purpose.
Yes, I am sat now in my bed yawning. It is 17:51, we will do this together as we have many times before.
We are going our separate ways over the next couple of weeks but I read somewhere recently, something that I feel applies to our relationship. It is along the lines of,
'No time spent with you is time wasted, it is time invested even if we are found to be incompatible.'
YOU ARE READING
Reducing medication, a diary written whilst in withdrawal. Hopefully others can identify and realise their experiences are part of the process... keep pushing. Sorry it does not make 100% sense all of the time, it was how the words fell!