For the Love (a Tom Hiddleston fanfic)

Chapter 40

      The next morning was not easy.  Their flight was scheduled to leave at ten, and so they had to catch the boat back to the main land and airport at six a.m.  At around five, Tom had walked Emie back to her room.  There was a gorgeous sunrise that had just begun to light up the sky, but they hardly noticed it. They walked together, but somewhat separately, Emie's arms crossed over her chest, and Tom's hands shoved in his pockets. They hadn’t gotten much sleep, perhaps a few hours split between the two of them.  They had hardly talked either.  The night had been long and short at the same time, offering no answers but simply more questions.
       She went into her nearly empty room, and started gathering things up quickly.  Tom offered to help but she refused, and so he sat waiting for her on the deck.  Emie packed her suitcase, barely paying attention to what she was doing.  She threw everything in, cramming her dresses and clothes in with shoes and toiletries.  She changed quickly into jeans and a loose tshirt.  She’d made the walk from Tom’s bungalow wearing one of his tshirts and her shorts.  Her shirt had been destroyed in the shower.  She shoved the clothes into her bag, zipping it up and taking a once over look through the room.  It was clean, and barely touched.  A painful, obvious reminder that she hadn’t needed the room for the past week.  She’d been too busy wrapped up in Tom’s arms.
       Emie blinked slowly, trying to get a hold of her emotions.  She grabbed her heavy suitcase, pulling out the handle and rolled it out of the room.  Tom stood up as she came outside, watching her warily.  Silently, they started back down the path toward his bungalow.  After a few seconds, Tom reached over quietly and took the handle of her suitcase from her.  She thanked him, and they walked without speaking the rest of the way.  He had already arranged for golf cart to pick up their luggage and take it to the dock.
       The next half hour was a blur of formalities and traveling.  They both checked out of their rooms, and were shuttled onto the boat.  The previous weeks had been so full of laughter and chatter, it was unnerving now for it to be so quiet. So silent.  Emie was pretty certain it must be the only time in the history of Bora Bora that two people left, feeling so completely disconnected and heartbroken.  There were so many unspoken words, just hanging between them.  But neither of them had the heart, or the strength to sort them out.
       Their private plane was waiting for them when they got to the small airport.  The plane had been a godsend the first time around, now Emie longed for the anonymity of a commercial flight.  Hours alone with Tom seemed painful at this point.  She thought of how different it had been the last time they were on a plane together.  They had danced, they had kissed, there had been so much possibility.  And now, it was all gone.  Deflated, flattened, lifeless.
       They settled into their seats-  the same two seats they’d chosen last time.  The big, comfortable leather recliners that sat side by side.  Emie sat anxiously, unable to relax.  Her nerves were beginning to start up, and she pulled her arms close to her body, trying her best to see if she could just disappear.  She had a feeling there would be no comforting words, no soothing voice to help her fight her fear of flying.  Not this time.  She didn’t deserve it.  She’d fight it alone, though she knew it would be difficult in her exhausted, fragile state.
       “I need to know something.” Tom said suddenly, his voice soft but breaking the quiet.  Emie turned to him in her seat. 
       “Yes?”
       “I know those articles are all rubbish.  But in the one, it said someone quoted you as saying we were very much in love and committed.  Did you say that to someone?” He asked, his eyes not quite meeting hers.  He was speaking to her differently than she’d ever heard him.  It was as if he were speaking, but not to her.  To a stranger.  To someone he only vaguely wanted to know.  She wasn’t sure if he was doing it on purpose, but she got the hint.  He had flipped some internal switch somewhere.  He was in preservation mode. 
       “I…” She swallowed.  “I said it to Jake.  I said it to get him off my back.  It was just so he’d go away.  I hadn’t…I hadn’t even said it to you yet.” She whispered.  Tom gave a curt nod, and then looked forward. “Tom, I didn’t think he’d—“ She started but then stop mid sentence when Tom looked at her.
       “It’s fine.  That’s all I wanted to know.  Don’t feel as if you need to explain yourself to me.” He said quickly.  Emie bit her lip, feeling as if she’d been slapped. 
       The plane suddenly started making noise, and Emie realized they were going to take off soon.  Her heart immediately started pounding, her palms started to sweat.  She gripped the edge of the seat, and held herself rigid, trying hard to focus on something that would calm her down.  She remembered two weeks ago and how Tom had held her hand against his chest.  She remembered feeling the steady beat of his heart, the calming, fixed way he looked at her.  Emie closed her eyes, feeling the deep rumble of the plane as it started to move.
       “Good morning.  We’ll be taking off in a minute or so, so please make sure your seat belts are on.” A pleasant voice came over the speaker.  Emie didn’t move, she simply shut her eyes tighter.  She wasn’t sure what was upsetting her more.  The way Tom had just so quickly and easily dismissed her, or the fact that this giant tin can was about to take off and fly through the air.  She could feel her chest tighten, and she felt the burn at the back of her eyes and throat.  She forced herself not to cry.  She fought back the overwhelming rush of anger and hatred she felt toward herself.  Why couldn’t she just be normal? Why couldn’t she just be a normal girl, with normal fears, and the ability to be in love with someone without worrying about all the complications?  When had things in her life become to spectacularly fucked up?
       The plane started moving, and Emie held her breath.  She wondered if she could just hold it the entire way to LA.  She kept her eyes shut, her fists clenched at her sides.  She felt the telltale rumble, and the tilt of the plane as it began its ascent.  Just as the noise got louder, she felt Tom’s hand slide over hers.  She opened her eyes, looking down at her lap.  His bigger hand covered hers.  Such a simple gesture, and yet it was everything.  Emie closed her eyes again, wishing to be anywhere but there.
       They were silent as the plane took off.  As soon as the plane leveled off, and they were in the air, Tom let go of her hand.  He got on his laptop a few minutes later, and started answering emails and doing work.  Emie sat silently, without moving.  She was just trying to hold it together.  She looked out the window, watching the turquoise blue water fill her view.  She saw Mt. Otemanu, green and beautiful.  It got farther and farther away, until it was really nothing at all.  Just a blur, a speck on the horizon.
       After the long night they’d had, it didn’t take long for both of them to feel the hours catch up to them.  Tom was only on his computer for half an hour before closing the lid with a sigh.  He stood briefly, pulling down the shades on most of the windows in the cabin, and then lowering the lights.  Emie curled up, and Tom had slipped on a baseball hat, pulling the brim low.  Emie curled on her side in the reclining chair, facing Tom.  He did the same, but had his arms folded over his chest, lying back and facing forward.
       She watched him at first, as he fell asleep before she did.  The dull roar of the plane made it easy to shut off her racing mind, and Tom obviously felt the same.  She watched the slow way he was breathing, the slight movement of his eyelids as he slept.  He was so calm, so quiet and untouched.  Unbothered by the weight of what had happened in the last 24 hours.  She tried to absorb all she could.
       With the baseball hat on, the brim lowered slightly over his eyes, she could only see his light hair at his temples.  She could make out the sun kissed skin on his cheeks and neck.  The lips she’d dreamed about many a night, and watched for countless hours.  She’d watched him kiss her, speak to her, say the most beautiful, loving things.  Emie bit her cheek, the reality hitting her.  In a few hours, it would be over.  They would be apart and she would never hear those words from him again.  They would really have no reason to even see each other again.
       He’d already hit some switch, trying to disconnect as best he could.  Trying to protect himself.  And she didn’t blame him.  She didn’t blame him if he hated her.  She somehow knew he didn’t, not completely, because that wasn’t him.  But maybe she wished he did.  To make it easier for both of them.  She wouldn’t let herself off the hook.
       Emie didn’t let herself think about the nightmare that awaited her in LA.  She’d talked to Scotty briefly before they’d left the hotel but hadn’t been able to speak for long.  It had been overwhelming.  She’d also emailed with Tom’s lawyer, Michael.  She would be meeting with him tomorrow.  It was all happening so fast, and yet not fast enough.  She just wanted to disappear.
       Emie closed her eyes, and surprisingly fell into a deep sleep.  Her last thought was that it would be the last time she’d ever sleep near Tom. 
      
****      
       They slept for a good six or seven hours of the flight.  The rest of the time was spent quietly, listening to music Tom had playing over the sound system, lost in their own thoughts.  Tom was either on his computer or reading, and Emie tried her best not to check her email or look on the internet.  Emie’s phone started ringing when they were about half an hour away from LA.  She answered it, knowing immediately it would be either her sister or Scotty.  It turned out to be the latter.
       “Emie, honey.” Scotty said, her voice sounding far away.  Emie smoothed her hair away from her face, sitting up a bit in her chair and tucking her legs comfortably under her.
       “Hi Scotty.” She said softly.  Tom looked up from his computer, but didn’t say anything.
       “How are you?” Scotty asked. 
       “I’ve been better.”
       “I know.” Scotty sighed heavily.  “Sweetie, I have a car waiting for you at the airport.  And one for Tom too.  We thought it best if you didn’t leave from the airport together.  Do you want me there?” She asked.  Emie felt her nose burn, and cursed herself.  No crying. 
       “No, I’ll be fine.” She managed. 
       “Sweetie, tell me what you need.” Scotty begged.  Emie brought her hand to her mouth.  She didn’t want to cry.  Not now.  She could feel Tom’s eyes on her, though he still hadn’t spoken.
       “I’m fine, Scott.” She said finally.  “Just make sure the car is waiting for me.”
       “Don’t worry about your luggage.  We’ll get it later.” Scotty assured her.  Emie didn’t care.  She didn’t want to see any of those clothes ever again.  She’d cut her losses.  They would only remind her of the past two weeks.
       “Has anyone…” Emie started, but then stopped when her voice broke.  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Tom shift slightly in his seat, as if he was going to go to her but then decided against it.  Emie swallowed, and closed her eyes, pulling herself together. 
       “Is there a crowd?” She asked.  Scotty was quiet for a minute.
       “I talked to Luke about fifteen minutes ago.  There is a good amount of people there.” Scotty said, referring to Tom’s publicist.  “Someone knew you were coming back today.  Apparently Tom has some kind of interview scheduled for tomorrow, so they knew he’d need to be back in LA.” Scotty sounded in pain when she spoke. “We’ve got some security there though, and the airport is doing what they can.” Emie nodded.
       “Thanks Scotty, for everything.”
       “You’ve got it, honey.  The car isn’t taking you home, by the way.  Not yet.  You’ll come to me first.  You don’t want to go home.” Scotty’s voice was soft, and regretful.  Emie felt her chin shake, and a tear slipped from her eye.  She brushed it away, roughly.
       “I heard you had issues getting into my apartment for Marius.” She said.  “Thank you for watching him.” She added softly, weakly.  Scotty made a sniffling noise, but then her voice was back, loud and strong.
       “We will get you out of this, sweetie.  I promise you that.  First, we’ll find you a new home. Somewhere safe where there aren’t a million paps waiting outside.  I already have a few leads on some great gated communities.  Then we will fix this.” She said sternly.  Emie shook her head, knowing if she spoke she would sob.  She didn’t even have a home at the moment. 
       “Scott, I’ve gotta go.” She managed softly.  Scotty said goodbye, and then Emie hung up.  She sat still for a few minutes, not daring to move.  They were close to being home, and the last thing she needed was to arrive at the airport with a red, tear stained face.
       “Em.” She heard Tom’s voice, but didn’t react.  “Emeline.” He repeated himself.  She turned then, looking at him.  He reached for her across the small span between their chairs, and took her hand.  She held it, wanting so badly to fall into his arms. 
       “Scotty has cars waiting for us.  She said that there’s a crowd.” Emie said, her voice sounding robotic.  Tom nodded.  He reached behind him, rifling through a bag he’d brought onto the plane.  He pulled out a pair of sunglasses and handed them to her.  He had another pair for himself already on the table by him.  Emie took them, holding them in her slightly shaking hand.
       “It will be okay.  I’ll get you home safe.” He said softly.  Emie nodded but then looked at him, her eyes wide.
       “I don’t really have a home right now.” She took a deep breath.  Tom frowned, then gently lifted her hand in his, kissing the back of her hand.  She swayed slightly in her chair, watching him.
       “Where are you going?” He asked.
       “To Scotty’s.”
       “It’ll be okay, I promise you.”
       “How….how can you say that?” She asked, feeling desperate for some of his confidence.
       “Because they will tire of us once they realize…” He paused.  “Once they realize we aren’t together.” Tom spoke carefully, and Emie watched as his jaw clenched.  “And then they’ll leave it alone.” He added softly.
       “What about the pictures?” She whispered.  Tom’s mouth formed a hard line.  She knew he didn’t have answers for that. 
       “Emie, tell me what you want me to do.  Tell me what will make this easier for you.  I’ll do whatever you want.”
        “I…I want my life back. I want this to be over.”
       “I know that. I’m sorry.”
       “When we get off the plane, we need to pretend as if we don’t even know each other.  I don’t want to give them more fuel for the fire.  I don’t want to drag you into what’s going on with my situation.” Emie felt the plane dip, and she knew they were nearing the airport.
       “I can be there for you, Em.  What if I want to be there for you?” Tom asked, his blue eyes searching hers.
       “No.” She shook her head.  “What if it effects you? Your career? We both know it will.”
       “I don’t care.” He said simply.
       “I do.”
       “So that’s what you want then? You want me to pretend I don’t know you? Pretend that the last few weeks haven’t completely shaken me to the core? Pretend that I don’t care about you or think about you constantly?” This was his last attempt.  She could see it in his eyes.  It broke her heart more, if that was even possible.
       “Tom…”
       “No, Em. Look at me.  Look at me and say that, and then your word is my command.  But I won’t let you go unless you truly mean it.  Even then, it’s going to be a struggle.”  His voice was steel, and it took everything in her to do what she thought was best for him.  The next few weeks or months or years were going to be hell for her.  If those pictures and videos were released, she would be a joke.  Her career would be over.  Her career may already be over.  How could she ask him to stand by her through that?  When he had so much potential? Emie shook her head.
       “Tom…I can’t do it. Please.  It’s over.  For your sake, for my sake.  I can’t do this. I’m going to be eaten alive, and I can’t take you there with me.  We’ll be torn apart.” She said.
       “Then I guess this wasn’t what I thought it was.” He said with a hardness to his voice that made parts of Emie shrivel and die.