Chapter 17: Fuck

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-Alesana's POV-

"Matt...wake up..." I mumbled, nudging him. "Go away...." He said sleepily. "Fine..." I hopped out of his bed and grabbed Jax then walked to the kitchen. Might as well see if I can cook...

I pulled out my phone and searched for a french toast recipe online. I've always wanted to try it.

I looked through different websites until I found one that looked most complicated. Why? Oh ya know. See how what skills I have...

I gathered all of the ingredients and all the pans/bowls, etc. "Alright....I'm just gonna....yolo this shit..." I mumbled to myself and began making French Toast.

4 pieces of perfect looking French Toast and a big mess later....I was finished. "MATT!!!!!!!!" I shouted. "WHAT?!"

"I MADE BREAKFAST!!!!!!!!!" I heard Matt jump out of bed and he began running to the kitchen. "Woah woah woah....chill." I laughed as he slid into the kitchen. "What did you make?!" He asked excitedly. "French Toast...." I mumbled. "Oh...and a mess...." I said quietly. "I can see the mess....and smell the French Toast. Holy shit."

"You get two pieces. And so do I. But you can have whatever I don't eat if you want.." I told him. Matt nodded and grabbed two plates and put two pieces on each then went to the fridge and grabbed syrup. I grabbed the powdered sugar and sat it on the table and Matt and I sat down to eat.

"Holy fuck. What the hell did you do to this?" Matt asked when he took a bite. "Is it that bad?" I asked, not knowing what he meant. "No no no. This is fucking amazing."

"So I can cook. Hm. First time I ever cooked." I said. "Please come back on tour and cook for us...oh my jesus...." Matt said. "I can't's to much...I want's not my...uh....thing at the moment...maybe in the future..." I mumbled. "Oh...I understand...I know...I'm sorry..." He responded. "No worries!" I smiled and finished eating a piece of French Toast. "I'm finished. If you want, you can have the rest." I stood up and threw my fork in the sink. "Pleaseeeeee." Matt said. I laughed at him and gave him my 2nd piece then went to my room.

"I gotta find it.." I whispered to myself. When I entered my room, Jax was asleep on my bed curled up on Oliver's side. heart just melted. I put all thoughts aside and started to search through my drawers until I found what I wanted. "Bingo.." I whispered. I untaped the small sharp metal from the bottom, then grabbed some clean clothes and walked to the bathroom.

I entered the bathroom and shut the door, locking it, then I undressed. I looked at my body in the mirror and began to feel disgusted with myself. I'm sickly pale, emaciated, and scar filled. I grabbed my razor blade then stepped into the tub and turned the water on.

As the water filled the tub, I began turning it red. New cuts filled my arms and legs as the razor blade danced across my skin.

"Another broken promise..." I mumbled to myself.

More and more cuts filled my arms and more and more tears flowed down my face. After a while I quit harming myself and actually took a bath...after I got new water of course...

I got out of the shower and put on a gray long sleeve shirt and black skinny jeans to hide everything. "You took a long bath." Matt said when I walked into the living room. "Yeah....I kinda needed to relax...." I mumbled, hoping he doesn't see through the lie. "Oh. Wanna watch a movie?" Matt asked. "Uh..sure. I have nothing else to do." Matt smiled and I sat next to my brother and he put on a movie called Slumdog Millionaire.

"What time is it?" I yawned when the movie ended. "Uhhh...I think it's 4:30 or something like that.."

"Do you think Oliver would be up by now?" I questioned. "He might, you can try." Matt responded. I nodded and went to my room, grabbing my phone on the way.

Dialing Oliver's number, I crossed my fingers hoping he would be up. I haven't talked to him since I was put in the days ago...

"Hello?" I heard that wonderful voice say. "Oliver!" I said excitedly. "Ala! I miss you! I love you! I'm sorry I haven't called, I've been busy with tour...I'll call more often, I promise." Oliver said in a rush. "I miss you too, and I love you also. You don't have to worry, if you're busy with tour then I don't wanna keep you away from your work." I told him. "But I wanna talk to youuu! I miss you so so much!"

"I miss you too, made food today....and I found out that I can cook..." I told him. "Will you cook for me once I get back?!" He asked excitedly. " eating has been getting better too..." I said, trying not to cry. "I'm proud of you." Oliver said. Those words made a tear slip. I wanted to sob. "Hey..I uh...gotta go...Matt wants to watch a movie, I'll call you back later. I love you, Oliver. I'll see you soon!" I said, trying to not break down. "I love you too. I can't wait to see you again."

After that, we hung up and my dam broke. I was choking on my tears, I wasn't breathing properly, I felt like I was dying. "MATT!" I screeched. Matt came running into my room and ran over to me. "Alesana, what's wrong?!" Matt asked, pulling me onto his lap. I curled up into a ball and cried harder into my brother's chest. "Alesana, look at me.." Matt said, trying to get me out of my fetal position. After a while Matt finally got me out of my fetal position and I was facing him. "What's wrong?" He asked.

I tried calming down my breathing and eventually did, then looked at Matt. "I lied to Oliver..." I mumbled. "How did you lie?" He asked. "I told him I was eating....and he said that he was proud of me....I...I told him that I had to go real fast and just broke. He's proud of my lie that he doesn't even know...." I whispered as more tears streamed down my face.

"'s okay..." Matt whispered, bringing me closer to him again. I continued to cry in his chest while he rocked me back and forth. Every once in a while, Jax would lick the both of us and try to lick my face. But I just kept crying...

"I hate promises..." I whispered as a tear streamed down my cheek.

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