I'm thinking about suicide. Not because I'm suicidal or anything, ok maybe a little bit, but not really. Only sometimes, but I care about my life just enough for it to only be sometimes. I don't think about it a lot by the way, only recently. You see, my childhood best friend Lexi killed herself last month and I don't think it's ever affected me until now.
I usually keep my emotions locked deep inside this box behind my heart, and keep it there until I explode.
Right now I'm exploding.
Alexis or Lexi for short, and I met when we were 9 in Mrs.Hoard class. Mrs.Hoard got pregnant that year so our whole school year was filled with substitutes, so we played more than we did work. That's how we became close, bonding over bratz dolls and those rubber crochet things.
As we got older Lexi and I started to drift apart. We no longer liked dolls and crochet thingys. She started to get into sports in middle school and would eventually become a star-athlete at our high school. I, on the other hand, don't do sports. I don't really do anything and I'm perfectly fine with that. I tried my hand at orchestra, culinary club, journalism, cheerleading (the only one the stuck) and I even tried out for basketball in the 7th grade because Lexi wanted me to and she swore I would like it. Spoiler alert: I didn't. It was the only thing she was ever wrong about.
It's not one of those really dramatic things though, -Lexi and I growing apart I mean- it's just two childhood best friends who grew up to be completely different. We all have a friend like that. Don't we?
That didn't mean we didn't miss each other though. Well I hoped she missed me, because I definitely missed her. Even more now. I wished we talked shit more, I wished we hugged more, I wish we had more sleepovers, and I really wish we cried more. Lexi was a crier, a major one at that. That's how you knew, she was really comfortable around you if she cried around you.
Now that I think about it, I can't even remember the last time she cried in front of me. That's kinda sad. Ah shit now I'm even more sad.
Ugh, I need to get down, I thought to myself.
Standing on the rooftop of my apartment building probably wasn't the best thing for me to do right now. Especially walking back and forth on the ledge. Again, I promise I'm not suicidal. Just sad.
"Aye if you gone jump, ima leave because I don't need that on my conscience." I heard a deep voice say as I attempted to get down.
I ignored them. They probably aren't even talking to me.
Yes they are, I'm literally the only one up here..
I squatted and hopped down from the ledge and came face to face with the person behind the voice.
It was dark so I couldn't really see their face but I could tell he was a he and that said he was young. But I could also tell he wasn't from around here. Besides his voice being a dead give away, I knew everybody in my building and there are only about 6 boys around my age that live in it. I would know because I grew up with them.
He's a new one.
"You obviously saw me getting down. Like as soon as you said that." I told him.
He shrugged, "I couldn't really tell to be honest. It's dark out."
Is he tryna get smart? That sounded a little smarty.
I just huffed and turned around and leaned forward on the ledge I was just standing on and watched a couple cars on the street below pass by. I watched our resident crackhead Ray Ray try to hustle a man named James out of a dollar.
