A Quick Paragraph

Idk what to call this, but please read

Okay, so for about the fifty-millionth time I'm listening to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfOeCotT5AU Fake Smile II Spoken Word on Josh Higmans channel on youtube, and every time I listen to it, I cry, and it's really sad and depressing and I feel it's really really heartbreaking, some people say it's inspirational or supposed to give you hope, but it just makes me wanna die even more than I already do, because some of the stuff in this video is so relatable I can actually hear my chest tighten and I can't stop the tears from coming. I just sometimes feel selfish a lot about stuff, but isn't everyone selfish? Can't I be forgiven for being selfish just once? Everyone else around me has an AMAZING  life compared to mine, but all they wanna talk about is themselves, not once in my life has a conversations truly been about me, but I feel selfish saying that because I nor anyone else even believes I'm worthy of their words that tell me how much I'm trash, how much I don't matter. I just sometimes feel like..all I want is for people to listen to me sometimes, my life is like  just something people use to tell their own stories. All I want is for someone to HEAR me, to know I'm sad, my mind is dark, deep,and deranged..That they've read me the wrong way, because I'm NOT a picture book!! You can't just look at the smile on my face and say, "she's okay, let's just stop talking about what this dumb bitch needs to talk about". I somehow wonder how people can't look at my face and see the forced smile, the red eyes, blotchy face. My friends always only talk about themselves and joke around, but that's not what I wanna do, for 8 years straight I've been forcing a smile and pretending to be someone I'm not, just so I can get a little.. attention for once! People always say I only do what I do for attention, or so I can impress people, Maybe if you guys didn't make me feel like I'm bullshit no one likes, I could be myself and stop trying to please everyone!! No one around me can see that the way I act, is not me!! I'm not an outlandish, cool, funny person with a talent in whatever the coolest person in school likes, I just wanna be me sometimes.. I think it's funny how people can just believe whatever they want to and not care what the truth is at all, because they don't feel the need to waste their precious time on a lost soul. It's funny how people treat everyone exactly the same and never try to change themselves even a little to help a friend.. or they could at least tell me the truth, that I have absolutely no value in their heart despite the fact I would risk my life for them, they could at least be honest and say that they don't really care about me or who I actually am, people say that everyone is exactly the same, and no one deserves special treatment. Although I do believe that, I strongly feel you can't use that for everyone, especially not people like me, and you can say I'm being selfish I don't care, everyone's selfish, every on the planet, but to me that's like saying you can treat someone with a perfect life, like everyone around me, and someone like me; dangerously suicidal, deranged mind, broken heart, anxiety, bipolar disorder, anorexia, bulimia..and SO many other things that no one  can even understand how I feel. You can't treat someone who relates everything to death and cuts everyday and starves themselves everyday and cries themselves to sleep everyday, doesn't believe anything anyone tells them cause they've been deceived so many times..you can't treat them the same way you would treat someone who has a dream, anything they could possibly want, loving supporting parents, and nothing wrong, people who just make up problems to get even more attention. I know lots of people have some of the same problems, but can't I just matter for once in my life? Can't just one person, ONE..at least try  to understand me or listen to the words I have to say, or want people to hear. I just want someone, literally anyone at all to acknowledge how hard it is to live everyday hoping you could die, but holding on for people who use you, how hard it is to smile when you'e nothing but an useless maid or servant in your own home. But it just hurts that no one at all cares, but I'ma be real honest right now, if I kill myself which I've been planning to for a while, this was actually be something of a will for me. So to end, My name Is Tanaiya Rene Antoinette Goodall, my birthday is August 4th 2004, I'm 13, and I want my grave to be marked with the exact words.. "She only wanted someone to listen to her words..". I'm not gonna leave a note for my family or any of my "friends" because they'll probably be glad I'm gone, and they won't care why I killed myself, as long as I'm gone. So this is an early goodbye for now, my life span on my grave will be marked as  "08/04/2004-02/12/2018" Tomorrow being the day I kill myself, specifically during 5th period band class in the nurses office, I'm going to ask for my usual stomach ache pills that I use because I starve myself, and when I go into the back room to get water to take  the pill, I'm going to take out the eleven sleeping pills and five razors I keep in my bra at all times, I'm going to take all the pills and some sleeping pills from off the top of the cabinet in the back room at the door, and before I'm going to draw a heart on my chest in black sharpie and I'm going to use one of the razors to draw a jagged line down the middle, to represent the broken bleeding heart that's been beating long overdue.