'Til Death Do Us Part

Eleven

I sat at Ariana's vanity, staring at a photo of the both of us. The weight of the guilt I felt for not having been with her the night she died came crashing down on my shoulders with great intensity. Overwhelmed with emotion, I put my face in my hands. I had been crying so much lately, I wasn't sure I had any tears left.

My head was on a constant rotation of massive headaches and revolving memories. As I sat there looking around her room, I didn't know what of hers I'd want to keep. It felt weird to think of rummaging through her closet or dresser drawers, as though I was invading her space without her permission. I sat at her dresser for a while, deep in thought. My fingers casually brushed over her make up, stopping on a miniature perfume sample. I juggled it between my fingers, then held it to my nose. I inhaled its scent, recognizing it as one of Ari's favorites. I put it back on the vanity table and watched it roll across and then stop.

Everything in the room belonged to her, even if she could no longer use any of it. It still all screamed that it was hers. With permission I had borrowed things from her a thousand times before. Sometimes my mom would joke that I wore one outfit going to Ariana's but would return home wearing something completely new. My mom was teasing, of course, and I'd always laughed and rolled my eyes.

Sitting in her room without her physically being there just didn't feel right. It was like I had broken in like a burglar or shown up to visit unexpectedly. There wasn't much about Ariana that I didn't know, but I'm sure she kept secrets, even from me.

We shared clothes, jewelry, shoes, you name it. How many times had we both sat in this same room where I sat now and confided in one another, cried, laughed, yelled, smiled? I knew her favorite color (sea green), favorite food (Doritos dipped in cream cheese, washed down with a Cherry Coke), and what brand of shampoo made her hair smell like a mixture of vanilla and bubblegum (it was called Vous You and she ordered it online from France). Her hair dried naturally straight and would only hold a curl if she used a curling iron set on its highest heat setting and then sprayed it with hairspray exactly three times.

She could answer the same questions about me. We knew each other better than our family members did. I opened the thin drawer of the vanity and reached around for a hair tie. I finally found one stuck towards the back, grabbed it with my finger tips and wrapped it securely around my hair in a high pony tail. Other than that, I wasn't ready to walk out of her room today with anything else belonging to Ariana, no matter how many times in the past I had done so.

Realizing I had spent the day with Leo, an incredibly handsome guy I barely knew, made me chuckle. Ariana would have been so proud, I laughed to myself. I definitely wasn't the type girl who led cute boys into the woods.

"Looks like you're rubbing off on me, huh?" I asked Ariana as I looked at her in the photo.

Just then I heard a muffled giggle. Startled, I jumped a bit and liked behind me, expecting to see her mom but no one was there. I faced the vanity again and sat frozen in place. In the mirror was my reflection, but behind me stood Ariana. I felt my hands begin to tremble. I gasped, a scream trapped in my throat. I squeezed my eyes shut, waited and then reopened them.