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It's been about a year since the split and I miss him even more as the days go by, he was my first love, sure I dated people before him but with him it was different. He made my heart fly when he looked at me. We ended on such bad terms, Spencer knows this which is why he's over most of the time so he can make sure I don't do anything stupid, but when he gone I just drink and drink, it helps me forget, but at the same time I don't want to forget, who would want to forget the first person they ever loved, and the fans. oh god, don't get me wrong I love them with all my heart but they won't stop bringing up ryan/ryden and it hurts too much. I try to still post on social media but I just can't it just reminds me of him. "Bren?" A familiar voice calls. It's Spencer. I lift my head out from under the covers and look up at him. "Yeah?" I respond "have you been crying again?" He asks. Concern lacing in his voice. He sits down on my bed causing it to dip. "Yeah." I respond, I'm not going to try and lie. He can see right through me. He's able to read me like a book. "Thinking about him again?" He asks as he sets a hand upon my leg. I don't respond I just choke back a sob and he knows what to do so he just pulls me into a big bear hug. "I'm trying to stay strong spence, I really am but I just miss him so much" I sob. "I know bren, but you gotta pull yourself together, being like this all the time isn't healthy" he says softly. I continue to sob into his shoulder.
After about an hour or two of crying Spencer's forcing me to take a shower because I haven't taken one in about 5 days. I peel off my dirty clothes, I step into the shower and let the water hit my body. It feels nice. It makes me feel less alone. I feel so alone in this huge world I've felt this way since Ryan left. He was my world, he made me feel whole, he made me want to live in this cruel world, but he left and I don't think he's ever coming back and it hurts to think that. I hear a knock on the bathroom Door, it's probably Spencer. "Yeah spence?" I call out. "Hurry up some people here to see you" I shouts. "Okay" I mumble as I wash up.
Once I was dressed I walked down the stairs so see Spencer, Patrick and Pete sat on my couch. "What are you guys doing here?" I mumble, the three heads turn to face me. "We came to see how you were doing" Patrick says and we scoots over and pats the empty seat next to him, signaling me to sit. I do just that. "I'm fine guys" I mumble Pete's head turns to face Spencer. "Is he?" Pete asks him. "Not at all" Spencer responds. I sigh. I can never get anything past him, can I? "You gotta get over him bren, just look at yourself you're a mess! How would your fans feel if they saw you like this?" Patrick says. I start to choke up, he's right. I am a mess "I'm sorry" I manage to choke out. They all look at me sadly. After about 30 minutes of silence Pete speaks up "get up brendon let's go" he says as he stands up. "Go where?" I mumble. "We're getting you a hair cut. You need it" he says as he grabs my arm. "Later, I'm tired" I tell him. "Fine you can take a 2 hour nap but then we are going to get you a hair cut" he says. I sigh in defeat. "Okay.." I respond. He let's me go and I walk to my bedroom. I pull out my phone shove my headphones in it and put on the one song that hurts me the most to listen to. Northern downpour. I start to cry until I'm knocked out.

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