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We were all sitting downstairs.
Corbyn was playing with slime.
Jonah was spinning a fidget spinner.
I was looking at instagram.
Jack was sitting on Daniel's lap and Daniel was leaving soft kisses down his jaw line.

It pissed me off, jack is supposed to be mine. I used to be able to draw things with my finger on jack's soft bare back. Now I'm lucky if I'm even aloud to be  alone in the same room as him.

A while after Jack and Daniel started dating I was really jealous. I decided to come out to the boys, hoping that Jack would change his mind and choose me. As you can see he never did. Maybe I'm not good enough. Am I too sad and not happy enough? Is it because my eyes are the colour of crap and dirt and Daniel's are the colour of the ocean and the sky?

"Jonah can you stop spinning that? It's annoying as hell. And corbyn put that slime away the sound is so irritating!" I snapped at them.

They both stared at me like I was going out of my mind. I never snap on them for playing with that stuff.

I ran downstairs into my room. Once I was inside I closed the door and locked it. After it was safe I sunk down onto my bed and just let the tears fall.
You're never going to be good enough zach, stop trying.

Lately I've been depressed and just not myself. I once tried to cut but Jack my saving grace stopped me. I remember it like it was yesterday.

I can't take it anymore. Jack my one true love is happy with somebody else. I've never felt this way towards someone. He will never feel the same way as me.

I ran into the bathroom forgetting to lock the door.
I grabbed my razor from the cabinet and smashed it until it broke.
I picked up a blade and started to cut just once.
A wave of pain rushed over my body and a gut-wrenching sob came out of my mouth.
All of a sudden jack walked in.
When he looked at me his eyes filled with tears.
Shit I didn't lock the door.
"W-why?" His voice was so quiet, almost a whisper.
I hated myself for letting him see me like this.
I didn't answer.
I just got up and put a bandaid on.
Before I could leave the bathroom though he grabbed my opposite wrist.
"Zach, you know you can.. you can tell me anything right?"
"I'm just stressed." I lied.
Lying to him was the worst thing I could do. Just for that I wanted to cut a thousand times more.
"Never do that again. I can't lose you." He engulfed me into a hug.

                *End of flash back*
I shivered at the memory of his touch.
Another round of tears shed from my eyes as I looked at the scars on my wrists old and new.
Eventually my vision got blurry.
I fell back into the bed and screamed into the pillow.
"Why me?!! Why do you hate me god?!"

A sudden thought came to me. The band doesn't need me. I might as well run away to somewhere they will never find me.

I started packing my suitcase.
My plan was to leave late tonight when they were all asleep.
Thank god I got my own car for my 17th Birthday and for my own room in the basement.
I'm going to miss this house.
I'm going to miss these boys who eventually became family.
I'm going to miss the interviews where we would all goof around.
I'm going to miss how Jonah was always like the big brother I never had.
I'm going to miss how corbyn always dressed up as 'speed racer.'
I'm going to miss how Daniel danced.
But most of all I'm going to miss jack and how beautiful he is.

Before I leave I make sure to pack a picture of me and jack laughing together.
I walk into jacks room just to get one last look.
He was sleeping so peacefully.
"Goodbye jack." I whispered and kissed him on the forehead.

It's 1:15 am.
Is this a bad idea?
Should I have left clues?
Will they ever find me?
Do I even want them to find me?

I've looked up some paper towns and I chose one.
"Turn left in 500 metres..." 

I already turned the tracking option on my car off.


I woke up and stammered to the bathroom.
While I was peeing I felt a pair of hands wrap around my waist.
I looked behind me and it was my wonderful boyfriend Daniel.
"Baby I'm peeing." I groaned
"I don't care." He placed a kiss on my shoulder.

"I'm gonna go check on zach. He probably needs some reassuring I heard him crying yesterday."

"I'm proud of you jack."


"For trying to piece that poor kid back together."

I smiled a sad smile at him.


This can't be happening.
I started pacing back and forth.
Where is he?

"Jonah! Corbyn! Daniel!" I yelled
They all came running in at once

"What's wrong?" Daniel asked placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Do any of you know where zach is?"

They all shook their heads.

"H-he ran away again."

He couldn't have. There's no clues.
What if he doesn't want to be found?

I flopped onto his bed and starting crying.

"Why did he have to go? I thought he was better!" I said between sobs.

"What do you mean?" Jonah sat beside me.

"Once I caught zach cutting...."

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Corbyn asked.

"Because.. I thought it was just a one time thing and that he was better and not depressed."

There's gotta be clues somewhere. There has to be.
I can't lose him.

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