Chapter 47 - Revelation

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Samaya’s eyes have always been full of something. Whether it was the sadness she always thought she was hiding. Or those rare moments when she would let that sadness slip away and allow herself to be happy. Or those times when her eyes were filled with so much lust and longing for me that I couldn’t breathe while looking at her.

But whether her eyes were filled with sadness or happiness or lust, there was always life in them.

Or maybe there never was. I was just seeing what I wanted to see because I wanted her so badly.

“You need to make me understand, Samaya. Because I don’t understand why you are choosing to die.”

“You don’t need to understand.”

“Yes, I do!” I’m yelling now, and I don’t care. Because I don’t know what else to do, how else to get through to her. “I need to understand why you don’t want to live anymore! You’re asking me to stand back and let you die. You’re asking me to live with that knowledge for the rest of my life. Then, give me the reason.”

Her lips come together, her eyes closing on a long blink. “It’s complicated.”

“Then, uncomplicate it.”

“I can’t.” She shakes her head.

I explode. “You have to! Because I fucking deserve to know the truth!”

“Because I owe them!” she cries, sitting forward. “I have to die because I owe it to them!” The moment the words leave her mouth, she winces in pain. Her brow creases, and her hand comes up to her head, the heel of it pressing against her forehead, as she closes her eyes.

“Samaya…are you okay?” I keep my voice soft, but inside, I’m panicking and afraid and ready to call for the doctor.

“I’m fine,” she whispers. She lays her head back on the pillow, her hand falling away to lie on the bed beside her, her eyes opening.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“Don’t be. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry for all of this. I didn’t ever mean for you to see me this way.”

“What you mean is, you didn’t ever mean for me to find out.”

She exhales a tired-sounding breath, her fingers curling into the bed covers again.

Her silence gives me my answer.

My heart is aching with every hard beat it takes. I wrap my arms around my chest. I back up, leaning against the windowsill. “So, what were you going to do? You were just going to leave here and go back to New York? And then what?”

Her eyes come to mine, the answer clear in them.

Die.

She was going to leave here, leave me, and go home to die.

I’m not a crying man. It takes a lot. But, right now, I want to cry.

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I close my eyes, taking breaths to hold it in.

All I want to do is beg her to change her mind. Beg her to stay. Beg her to live.

“I’m sorry I’ve hurt you.” Her soft voice is like a thousand knives plunging into my soul.

I drop my hand, opening my eyes. “You haven’t hurt me. You are hurting me.”

Her bottom lip trembles. She bites it. “This isn’t what I wanted.”

“What did you want?”

She stares into my eyes. I see a flicker of emotion. Real emotion.

And it gives me hope.

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