A/N: this is written thought. If anyone feels the same as I do please message me because I don't know how to cope with this.
I am numb.
To everything.
Over time I've learned to block out my feelings, to keep my existential anxiety deep inside me, unable to surface. I've slathered layer on layer of darkness on my anxiety to keep it as far out of view as possible. The waves of feeling come and go, usually staying for days at a time, sometimes it's a riptide of emotion that sweeps me up in it's current, and I do the worst thing possible; struggle against it. And I get ungulfed under the water, I can't breathe yet no one ever seems to notice. I don't want people to know I'm weak, I make myself look strong, charismatic, careless, but I can only the keep the act up for so long at a time. But this happens once a month. This being myself, I do this to myself, something is broken inside me. Most of the time I'm falling, a never ending pit of self-loathing and distractions, fake smiles and poisonous curiosity, with no escape apart from the painful waves and suffocating riptides.When I'm falling I've never felt. Never felt strongly about anything. When I do feel on purpose, open the gates (as some may say) leading forward rather than down, everything gets too much for me. I only have two eyes and can see, feel so much before it's too much. It's not something I can do myself, I'm not strong enough to open those gates again.
Even those closest to me know me only to a certain extent, they know only what I choose to show them; if I show more they get worried, they force me to do things I don't want to, they try to give me solutions that don't work, they don't fully understand what I feel and brush it off like dust on their shoulder. So I stopped trying a while ago.
"I love you"
Everything changed in that moment.Dallon's three sweet words that slipped out by accident after I made pancakes for breakfast on his birthday. He tried to swallow them back, knowing that by saying those words he changed my world, he tried to swallow them back because he didn't know of he changed my world for better or for worse. He's selfless like that. His mouth full of pancake and maple syrup stopped chewing and looked at me. It wasn't much consolation to him when I looked like I'd just witnessed Hannibal lector murder my whole family. I looked like that because it wasn't Hannibal lector but it was Dallon and it wasn't my family he murdered, but myself. He killed all my self-loathing and the distraction, the fake smiles and poisonous curiosity.
I finally heard the golden gates of freedom creak open. I walked up to it. Through the bars I could see that on the other side, struggling, was Dallon pulling with all his might. From his face I could tell he'd been trying for a while. I pushed. With every atom in my soul I pushed. The gate swung open and Dallon was the first person on the other side. We walked, we never stopped, his hand never left mine, we never tripped over our own feet, nobody tried to trip us up. And it never got too much for me.
"Oh my god" I said. "Dallon, I love you too" and I went back into bed, curled up next to Dallon, still eating pancakes, and fell asleep for the first time without being scared of reaching the bottom of the pit.
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I gave this a 'happy ending' becuase that's what most people like. I'm sorry if this is very rambly and messed up. Sorry if nothing makes sense but I had to write this down becuase i can't keep it in. If anyone is going through something like this (existential anxiety) or already has gone through something similar, please tell me. Tell me how you cope. I don't know how to live like this anymore it's too hard. -Lily

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Dallon Weekes Imagines
FanfictionRead the title. A compilation of Crappy and cheesey things starring Dallon James Weekes, that a fangirl dreams about before she sleeps ~~~