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one | fear of you


once more, i find myself again crying in my room at 3am.

mind racing
heart pounding
head spinning
hands shaking
knees trembling
eyes watering
stomach churning
lungs panting
chest aching

i was having yet another anxiety attack.

it's been happening more often lately, i go out and pretend to be listening to music, avoiding anyone that would look at me or talk to me.
then i go home and cry until i've slept.

you're probably confused as of why i would do that.
i'm anthropophobic, i fear people.

you see, anthropophobia is such a misunderstood disorder. it is a disorder which is often misunderstood with other social phobias. the main difference between the two is that in anthropophobia, you fear people in most or all situations, rather than, for example, only fearing people during public speaking or when eating before others, as is the case with social phobias.

it's not like claustrophobia where i can't breath in tight spaces or acrophobia where i'm afraid of heights. no it's much worse, i'm genuinely afraid of people.

in anthropophobia, you might even fear close friends and relatives and perceive them as being threatening as much as a stranger.
people with the extreme fear of people understand that our fear is illogical. despite this, we let the phobia affect our daily lives, education or jobs. we arrange these activities so that there is minimal interaction with people.

ofcourse, i used to go to a therapist for my disorder, even though it didn't help because i'm fucking afraid of people, and according to her what may have caused me to be diagnosed with anthropophobia are one of these reasons;

an intense negative experience with people in the past might have triggered the phobia of people.
the mind can sometimes wrongfully learn to fear people.
people with general tendency of being 'highly strung' or overanxious might also develop anthropophobia.
physical problems or adrenal insufficiency can also lead to this condition.

when my parents first thought i had anthropophobia, the therapist told them some symptoms to look out for;

trying to avoid social events at all costs- going to great lengths to do so.
feeling panic at the thought of going out or experiencing terror when having to meet people.
increased heart rate, shortness of breath, feeling like being choked, difficulty in swallowing, increased blood pressure, sweating, trembling, crying etc are a few common physical symptoms of such panic attacks.
thoughts of death, fear of embarrassing oneself in public are also experienced by the phobic.

and let me tell you, all of those symptoms fit me perfectly.

don't expect me to tell you 'oh i've learned to deal with it' and all that crap because it still hurts and affects me three years later.

but i've also been told that there are self help techniques to be 'cured';
i have to convince myself that this is paranoia that can be overcome.
i have to repeat the mantra "people do not notice what I think they notice".

i could employ CBT and BT (cognitive behavior and behavior therapies) which include modifying thoughts and behavior. this means "people are laughing at me because i look stupid" should be changed to "people are not thinking about me at all" and so on.
i should write down negative and subsequent positive thoughts.

i've tried most of them, except for writing because everytime i bring myself to write something, i end up writing the same phrase over and over again.
"you're a freak. kill yourself"

but when i'm not talking to people, i'm a very strong character. that may sound confusing, i'm stronger when i'm alone because i don't feel threatened by anything.

i'm not gonna lie, i've honestly gotten a bit better, i can talk to someone for about 10 minutes, i communicate a little with my parents, i go to the grocery store alone and so on.

they appear as such simple and unimportant things but those unimportant things are me proving to myself that i can get better.

hi, i'm melody reed and welcome to the life of an anthropophobic.

that was just to clear up to
anyone what anthropophobia
is and how it works.

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