Chapter 4: Thirst

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Thursday was a blur. It was the same repetition as Wednesday and Tuesday before it but you'll be happy to know that my clay penis dried to be an exact replica of my own penis. It's even got the scar from where the dog bit it - I'm not going to elaborate on that.

Today Jelly's diary read:

"Jeremy is sleeping in the spare room. It used to be my sister's room before she left for university. I'm wide awake and I could sneak into the spare room and cuddle up beside him. Earlier while I pleased him I felt something I'd never felt before. I wish I could be his girlfriend but I really do think he could do better... I hate myself.

I'm failing economics and I wonder if I should try to give oral sex to Mr. Fanshawe rather than going through the hassle of fixing my grade. I heard it worked for Michelle Simpson but I could probably be on my knees with my mouth open in front of him and he'd never notice. Nobody notices me.

My Mom has been treating me differently and I'm not sure why. It's not necessarily a bad thing - if anything she is being more loving. I take it for granted. I'm sure Jeremy would absolutely die if his mother was ten percent the mother mine is. Sometimes I feel bad for him and how he has to live. I really do wish we could run away together.

My Dad is treating me differently also but in a more loving way as well. Today he gave me a gift card to La Boutique for no reason at all. I thanked him but I didn't even know he knew I shopped there. Odd.

Sometimes I think I should give my virginity to the first person who wants to take it. I'm sure that would be Jeremy, though. It's not that I couldn't share that special moments with him. It's that he couldn't share it with me. He's been using me sexually for years and I don't think another hole on my body being available to him would mean much.

I want to move to Toronto. There's so much culture, things to see and do! I could get a job anywhere and have a small apartment downtown. I'd love to live in the city and go to all of the local music shows. I think I'll go with or without Jeremy at the end of the school year."

She wrote a lot about me for someone who didn't want to hang out this afternoon but sometimes Jelly needs her space. I never really need space. I like to be around people and the truth is when she's not around I miss her. I wonder what she's doing. Is she staring at the ceiling fan and wondering what tomorrow will bring? I am.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to the Cross with Jelly and while we're there I'm going to try to kiss her on the lips for the first time. I'm going to brush off Megan McGuire and show Jen just how much  she means to me.

I walk to my drawer and grab a pair of her underwear, placing them under my nose I inhale deeply. They smell like her body and the fabric softener her mother uses. I miss her.

I take off my clothes and put on Jenny's pink and black, hipster cut panties that say "Spank Me" on the back and admire myself in the mirror. I have a very nice ass in these underwear. I bet some dominant faggot would love to ravage this. I lay down in bed and feel my ass. Firm and full. I have an ass like McKenzie Fair, she graduated last year but I'll never forget how perky and round her little buns were.

Jenny doesn't know that I wear her panties. Nobody but you knows and you will keep this secret until the day you die. It makes feel different... It makes me feel sexy.

I sometimes fight the most awkward urges and I'm not sure why. I'm attracted to women, not men but yesterday while Jelly sucked me into her beautiful, feminine mouth I wished it was me that had the penis in my mouth. I was a little jealous. I've been having weird feelings for a while now but I masturbate and they go away.

Sometimes, I wish I was born a woman. They're so pretty and have so many style options and they can be openly lesbian or bisexual without judgement and it's so much easier for a woman to get laid than it is a man. You could literally spread your legs in the street and someone would walk along and have sex with you.

I imagine people in open relationships and I often think that the man is on the losing end. His girlfriend probably has sex twice if not three times more often than he does. It's just so easy when men are so horny all of the time.

Men are so horny that heterosexual males have homosexual sex because of the limited availability of women to them. That says something and as I lay here gently caressing myself in these panties I wonder if that's the lifestyle for me with these awkward cravings I've been having.

I'm not sure what to do. I could take to Jen about it but I'm not sure she'd understand. Its difficult to explain as well.

"Jelly, I love you and want to be with you... Also - I want dick in and around my mouth but I'm not attracted to men and I like to wear your underwear because the idea of being a woman literally turns me on."

Yeah, she might go for it. She could potentially want a crossdressing husband that cheats on her with men. What woman doesn't want that?

Some things I'm sure are left in the closet where they belong. I'm going to need a bigger closet.

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