Tongue Tied

July 2018

"Did you do a lot of partying?"

"Yes, sort of. I...I suppose so." I shifted awkwardly in the chair, knowing that wasn't really what I'd spent the majority of my time doing. "Maybe not compared to most people, but it was still a great time. I was young, fun, not lonely..."

"You're still very young." I didn't feel it. Inside, I felt so much older than I was. "And I'm sure you still have a lot of fun with your friends."

I sighed noisily, preparing myself to admit something very tragic. "I don't really remember a lot since the accident...I don't know if I've got a lot of friends."

Doctor Russ gave me a puzzled look—or at least, that was how it seemed to me. I'd bewildered a therapist, that was the current state of my life. If that wasn't the kick up the ass I so clearly needed then I wasn't sure what was.

"There must be ways for you to find out about your social life. Hasn't anyone been to visit you since the crash?"

Urgh, I hated myself, this was me really lying out on the table and being vulnerable. It felt disgusting, I wanted to vomit.

"Only my mother."

"Okay, so what about your phone? Have you checked it for messages or phone numbers?"

"I almost checked online to find myself on social media, I thought it'd be a good way to find out more about my life now, but I got interrupted and it put me off. I started overthinking things and now I don't know if I want to find out." I threw my hands up in the air, frustrated. "If no one's been to visit me then what does that say? Maybe I'm horrible now, a really evil person."

"Does that sound like something you might've become?"

I couldn't help remembering mine and Scott's last few moments together and all the awful things I said. Maybe I'd always been a despicable person and I was only now realising it.

"I don't think anyone intends to be a dick," I pondered carelessly. "If they do then there's something seriously wrong with them. I think everyone can be nasty and selfish without even noticing it. Maybe that's me."

"Well, that's an important revelation. Something you can explore when you write down your feelings. And I think you should start with what happened at university and explore your life ever since. I know you don't remember it all at the moment, but hopefully, the memories will return when you're thinking about it more. It seems to me something is really holding you back in life and you need to figure out what."

Even the thought of doing all that was exhausting, I wanted to give up already. I didn't need to comb over the past again, it seemed like a fruitless effort. It was done now, long behind me, I couldn't ever go back to place however much I yearned to, so what was the point?

"Wouldn't it be more productive to concentrate on the future?"

"I don't think you can, not until you've gone back. You need to work out who you were then, who you are now, and what happened in between. I don't think moving forward in the way you've been going is a positive thing if it's making you so unhappy, so you need to take this as an opportunity to get your life on the tracks you want it to be."

I didn't know who I wanted to be, that part remained a mystery, but it certainly wasn't this. I hated to admit it, but Doctor Russ made some very good points. Maybe I could take this car accident and turn it into a positive somehow.

Seemingly sensing me coming around to her way of thinking, Doctor Russ jumped on the idea and ran with it.

"Did you have a close friend at university? Someone you remember more than the people in your life now?"

I rubbed my hands down my cheeks, trying to disguise the tears before they became obvious.

"Yes, I had a best friend, Natalie. I don't know if she's in my life now or not. I guess it seems like she isn't and I don't know why."

"Wouldn't it feel good to reconnect with her? She seems like a good place to start picking up the pieces."

The idea left me boiling hot and freezing cold all at once. Of course I wanted her back in my circle, she was the one person I'd always trusted over everyone else, but what if I'd done something nasty to her as well? I hated my patchy memory, it left me with a real disadvantage. I couldn't contact her and have her despise me, that could be the thing to kill me.

"Maybe. I'll take a look into it and have a think."

"It'll mean getting past the roadblock and looking online, do you think that's something you can do? I have a laptop here if you'd rather not be alone?"

There wasn't a chance in hell of me opening that can of worms in front of anyone else. It'd take a whole lot of Dutch courage before I even considered it, and I certainly had to be alone while I unravelled the sadness that was me.

"Oh no." I smiled as sweetly as I could manage. "I'll be fine, thank you though."

She peered disapprovingly at me, which I understood since I didn't know how honest my words were. I wanted to be that brave person who tore the band-aid off and delved right into my issues with my eyes wide open, but I wasn't yet.

"Good. Maybe we should start talking about your relationship with your mother..."

Urgh, that topic was even worse. It made my muscles scream out with violent pain.

"That's complicated, I really don't think it's something we need to discuss."

"Complicated mother and daughter relationships are the cornerstone of what I do."

Doctor Russ was like a limpet, she clung to something she sensed was important and wouldn't let it go. It was annoying, actually. I wanted to ask her why she couldn't just leave things alone.

"I really don't think it has any relation to what's happening here..."

But of course, I had to discuss it. I spent the remainder of the hour talking about that subject and it was surprisingly freeing once I got going. By the time I left my appointment I decided to give her ideas a go. The journal writing, the social media, maybe even Natalie...

Something had to work, people dragged themselves out of ruts all the time. I could be one of those people.

"Are you ready to go?"

As I stared at my mum, I felt all strange. I'd just talked about her behind her back for ages, maybe not in a bitchy way, but not in an overly nice way either, when really, she'd done all she could to help me, including telling me some home truths I might not have wanted to hear. Things were fractured, but she wasn't all bad.

"Yeah, Mum," I replied with the first genuine smile I could really remember giving her. Certainly since the crash "Let's get out of here. Thank you for waiting for me."