01/10/2018
And you got me, let go
What you want from me? (What you want from me?)
And I tried to buy your pretty heart, but the price too high
Baby you got me like oh
You love when I fall apart (fall apart)
So you can put me together
And throw me against the wall
Rihanna, Love on the Brain
Storm.
After Harlem an I cleaned up separately, I walked back into the living room silently. I avoided eye contact as I sat down. He instantly chuckled as I felt my face get hot again.
"Look, Storm... let me start by establishing that I fucked up. I wasn't communicating with you and I was giving my attention to someone that wasn't my girl. It didn't have shit to do with me being the star athlete, me wanting attention, or none of that shit. I simply fucked up. I shouldn't have called you out of your name either, man." Harlem started causing me to look over at him. I searched his face for any type of insincerities, but I found none.
He sat as if he were waiting for my response, so it was quiet for a couple of minutes before I broke the silence.
"You knew it would hurt me, Harlem. Set me back even. You knew I would crash..." I spoke, my voice barely above a whisper.
"I don't have panic attacks, baby. I can tell you a million times that I understand what you're going through, but the truth is I don't. That's why you've never heard me lie and say that shit to you. I don't fucking understand but I tried to be there for you the best way I knew how." Harlem spoke up. I coughed and reached for a blunt and a lighter.
"That's probably the realest shit anyone has told me since I've started having panic attacks honestly." I said finally, after taking a couple puffs from my blunt.
"I don't even know where we should start... I still got questions from before our five second relationship," I laughed awkwardly.
"Ask what you need to ask." Harlem looked at me before looking towards my window.
"Why did you cross the line that night? The night we were sitting in your car," I asked feeling extremely shy. Harlem shook his head chuckling. I looked down, seeing I was halfway through my blunt.
"Somewhere in that conversation of me talking about Bre, I realized I was in love with you. I realized that I could deal with your brokenness. I would be patient enough to pick up the pieces of your heart and teach you to mend them then allow you to love me. I knew you weren't sure of your feelings, and I never faulted you for that. But, I was aware of my feelings, so I went for it." I could hear the honestly in his voice.
"I never really knew what self love was... or love for that matter. But, I knew you warmed my heart. I never even had someone care as much as you did, so to see you choose anyone else over me was hurtful." I confessed looking him in his eyes. He sighed and rubbed his hands down his face. I sat my roach in the ashtray and leaned back on the couch.
"I told you, we never talked about our childhoods; we were just so caught up in each other and the lives we were creating there... I think we ran away from whatever we had going on previously." Harlem spoke up and I snapped my head in his direction.
"Since when did you become so wise?" I smiled gently. I knew what he was saying was true, but I couldn't... I'd have to explore it one day, but I'd hate for it to be today. Maybe tomorrow. Probably not, but maybe.
"I'll answer that question for you when you're mentally capable of handling the answer." Harlem answered and I frowned, thinking that response was weird.
"Whatever." I said and a comfortable silence fell over us. I leaned over the couch to grab a small amount of kush out of the Ziploc bag Harlem had brought me. I pulled a swisher out of the pack I had sitting on the coffee table.
"You do that shit so much you don't even know you doing it nomore," Harlem said wearily. I looked at him and gave a small smile before I dumped the guts of the swisher in an ashtray.
"I don't." I said sadly. "I mean... my mind just goes blank and next thing I know I'm high as hell." I lit up my blunt before putting it to my lips for a long puff.
"Right. Look I aint never want you to feel like I chose anyone over you, okay? I didn't. Bre came to me talking about suicide and it was too close of a situation to just ignore. This girl threatened her life, her child's life, and said she would harm you if I wouldn't just talk to her. She suspected you showed me her and the security guard, so I had to let you go for the time being, but I didn't choose her. I chose your life. I didn't expect you to leave. After you left, she said she knew I loved them suicidal bitches so she pretended to be one. It was just too fucking late man" Harlem confessed and pulled a few of his dreads, frustrated. I could feel tears in my eyes all of a sudden.
"I can't do this with you right now. Our time is up." I spoke, standing up. Harlem looked confused as he stood up as well.
"The fuck are you saying? You wanted the truth." He said accusingly. I just shook my head.
"I did, but I'm done. Maybe our truth is too ugly to ever be beautiful Harlem." I sighed and walked to the window to stare out of it. Arms wrapped around my waist as his hard body pressed against me from behind.
"Baby, you don't even believe that you done, so don't say that shit to me. I'm not losing you again. You don't even know what you are to me yet," His lips brushed against my neck as he spoke.
I said nothing as I consciously enjoyed the feel of Harlem's arms around me.
And you got me, let go...
to my silent readers... knock it off. lol
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Tee
