from J

217 19 4
                                                  

  I was always a normal kid with weird quirks.
My mother always said I was her baby.
My dad always called me little one.
My sister always called me Jul.

When I got my first phone I didn't really use it other than for games.
By the time I went to high school the doors to tumblr had been opened to me already.
On day a few months before my 13th birthday I was reading a post about different kinds of sexualitys. I had been thinking about it a bit already but didn't bother thinking really hard, I liked boys after all so I can't be gay.
End of story.

But when I read that post on tumblr and I read about bisexuality I realised it fit me.
I didn't realise it was important to remember so I just went on with school and friends and didn't think about it.

I didn't thing about it until a month after my 13th birthday.
I was sitting in my room and I realised that I would have to come out as bisexual one day!
Boy was I exited, it would be so cool!
But... it was going to be scary.

I decided I didn't need to come out yet seeing as I had other things to do and my love life doesn't exist.

Fast forward a year and a few months. I'm 14 not and on summer holidays, it's a little before 12pm. A good friend of mine messages me: 'Hey, I need to tell you something.'

I reply: yeah sure tell me, you aren't dying or something right? LOL

She answered: I'm gay.

I was so exited that I wasn't the only one anymore and now I could tell someone and they wouldn't judge me!

And we would be in the same class next school year.


I told her in a message a few months into the new school year: Hey there!
You are not the only one who is queer!

She was really happy and asked if I had told anyone yet. No. She was the first one to know.
A few months later I told my best friend. I told her face to face. I was really scared but thankfully she was very exited and told me she is proud of me.


Fast forward to the end of the school year, I'm 15 now.
My dad went to pick up my sister from a party and I was telling my mom a story of some sorts.
She jokingly asks, as she has done many times, if I like boys or girls. Or both.

She had never asked me if I liked both so I decided in a moment of bravery to tell her.

'Both.'

I grew up with parents always telling me they would support me regardless of my sexuality.

I shouldn't have told my mom.

She freaked out, asked me 10 times if I was joking. And told me to sit on the couch in the living room.
By now I was scared and crying. My mom was eerily calm.
She told me I could be straight or gay and that I couldn't just be greedy and take from both sides.

I went upstairs after my mother promised me not to tell my dad.

Arriving in my bedroom I began to message my friend, the gay one, and told her what happened. She told me that I was always welcome to sleep in her house should I need it.

My mother told my dad when he went upstairs to go to bed, we had a conversation in which my mother, while crying, asked God what she had done to deserve this.

Keep in mind that my family isn't religious.
We don't go to church or anything and we don't pray.
I never grew up with religion.

For my mom who never talks about religion to ask God what she did wrong to deserve me was like a knife to my stomach.

I started crying. My dad calmed my mom down and she told me that they think it is just a phase that I am going through because of hormones and stuff.

My parents saw the messages and told me I shouldn't hang out with her anymore because she was influencing me with her weird ways. They told me that I should tell anyone I told that it was a phase and I was wrong.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

I never went back into the closet for my 2 friends who know.
My mom asked me a few times and every time I answer: 'you were right, it was a phase. I'm over it now.'

I'm afraid to tell anyone else.
Another friend of mine told me recently she is bi and I plan on telling her soon because I really don't want her to be alone in this.

I've realised I can probably never come out to my family, especially my mom's family, they are from east Europe and think gay people are sick. Like literally, a disease.

I do plan on telling my parents and sister next year. When I'm going to London for a week with school. I'll leave them a letter and take enough stuff and money just in case. Hopefully a week and a previous attempt at telling them will help them accept me.For anyone still in the closet like me, if it isn't safe to come out. DON'TIf you are not properly prepared in case they throw you out or even hurt you. Please don't. I don't want anyone to have to go though that.

Love, J

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