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In the days after Colby tried to kill himself Sam cried. Unlike his parted companion in the other room he still has too many emotions to process. It was a constant gamble to see whether he was crying or angry as the minutes passed by. Sam felt like shit. The thing he wanted to do the most was to just get up and apologize to Colby, he just needed to fix everything that he had fucked up but he didn't know how. He had apologized to Aaron when he came in to grab the food that Sam had barely touched. Aaron would sit with him sometimes, in the silence, and it was nice because Aaron brought a sort of light into the room.

Sam had been pacing around the room for a good half an hour, in an attempt to think of how to go into Colby's room. Would it be best for him to just barge in with his heart on his sleeve and an apology on the tip of his tongue? Or would it be better if he eased into things and allowed Colby to call the shots?

He didn't know if Colby was mad at him, he assumed that he was, seeing as Sam had left his best friend when he needed him the most. He walked out of the room the second the truth had been dropped on him, and every moment he waited in his self-pity just proved that what Colby had said was true. Sam would do anything to get his friend back, even if he wouldn't be the happy go lucky person he was before it hurt more to know that he was sitting in the next room alone. Corey told Sam that Colby was refusing to talk or eat and that he just sat in the same place on his bed staring at nothing in particular. They weren't even sure he had slept for the past two days because he never seemed to move at all. Devyn was getting more worried by the day and Sam heard her telling Corey that they should take him to the hospital when he got up to use the bathroom.

He knew that the rest of the house was worried and they deserved to be but he couldn't help but find himself pissed that they seemed to be able to show more for Colby than Sam could. It wasn't their fault that he was too scared and ashamed to come out of his room but every time their footsteps could be heard padding down the hall and into Colby's room Sam grew more agitated. How could these people, who had only known Colby for a few years, find it in themselves to but his health before anything else?

Sam wondered what was so wrong with him that he couldn't even show Colby that he cared. In truth, it may have been easier for the others to face the boy who had almost ripped his own life away because they weren't as close. They saw a friend in need who they could help - and so they did. But whenever Sam even thought of Colby's face in his mind, he saw the betrayal he had felt in his bones. He knew that if he walked into the room across the hall he wouldn't be able to contain his emotions. Eventually there would be crying and it would come down to yelling. The last thing that Sam wanted to do was hurt Colby anymore by yelling for a second time when it wasn't called for. The guilt that already filled him was enough to chain him down and lock him in his room for fear of adding to such a burden.

Sam sat back on to his bed and wished that this had never happened, he wished that they were still in Kansas, making stupid vines and dancing on tables. He wished that they were still sharing a bed in their first apartment because they were too poor to get another one. He wished that they were in that closet at the party, before everything went to shit, when they were just in the heat of the moment, with the spark in between them Sam had never felt before. He thought back to what he said to Corey, in reality, what he felt was the opposite.

He had said that even the idea of kissing Colby was unfathomable because of how gross it was. But in reality he knew that it wasn't disgusting - it was what he wanted. He wanted nothing more than for the world to fall away around him as he kissed Colby forever. His imagination desperately groped for the memory of what Colby's lips had felt like - the feeling was so engrained into Sam's mind yet so hard to recreate. For a second Sam panicked, did this mean he was gay? He had no clue how to come out or what to label himself. All he knew was that when he kissed Colby he felt like he finally knew all of the earth's secrets.

Even if other people thought that it was an abomination he didn't find it in himself to care. The feeling of Colby's lips against his was right. It was home. Sure, he had had a girlfriend before, but this was something different, they were as 'serious' as a few high schoolers could be. Sam never wanted to leave Colby's side, he couldn't fathom a life without his smile or his laugh, or his dopey beanies.

He couldn't fathom a life where he didn't love Colby.

Nothing he had ever felt came close to comparing to the feeling that filled his heart and head whenever the two of them were together.

He wasn't sure quite what type of love he felt for Colby. There was no big shift in how he saw the other - he lacked the huge moment of realization that his feelings had changed to ones of romance. It made him uncertain knowing that he had never noticed how strongly he felt for his best friend. Maybe it was because of how close they had been throughout high school and into their beginning YouTube years.

Even if he couldn't pinpoint how romantic his affection was he knew how much it hurt him for the duo to be parted. He knew that he cared deeply for his friend to the point where they where a part of each other. They did everything together and he couldn't imagine living in any other situation. The thought of not being best friends with Colby was one that he couldn't even bring himself to think about for too long.

He shot up off of his bed, he needed to fix this, he wanted to show Colby how much he loved him, he wanted to show him what he meant to the world. He heard a slam from Colby's room and Elton's voice, and hesitated going out into the hallway.

No, this was his chance, he could hear Colby's voice too, which meant he was talking. He cautiously opened his door and stepped into the hallway, across from Colby's door which was shut from what he assumed was Elton slamming it. He heard the two of them talking but couldn't make out the words, so he put his ear up to the door.

"Just please don't tell Sam, okay?." He heard Colby say, his heart jumped at the sound of his name being said. Don't tell me what? He thought to himself, he thought that there couldn't be anything else that Colby could hide from him at this point, now that he knew about how fucking depressed he was. He was sort of amazed at how long and well Colby hid his feelings, and pondered if it was from a talent of Sam's ignorance.

"I won't. But you have to go to the hospital." Elton said and Sam held in a light gasp, he knew that it would be a lot harder to apologize in the hospital rather than his room. He backed up into his room and closed the door as quietly as he could, as he heard Colby and Elton's footsteps walk past. He slid down his wall and put his head in his hands.

Fuck

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